


We Sit Side By Side

by Halfofwhatyouare



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: F/F, LA lesbians who go to brunch at The Abbey, POV Alternating, Slow Burn, Youtube AU, a whole load of feelings and pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-14
Updated: 2020-08-18
Packaged: 2021-03-05 05:29:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 34,797
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25259257
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Halfofwhatyouare/pseuds/Halfofwhatyouare
Summary: Trixie and Katya are some of Youtube's most popular lesbian content creators. They've been friends ever since they met at Vidcon and regularly collaborate but, after Katya took a break to focus on her health post a public break up, Trixie is left wondering just where she stands. Meanwhile, Katya, having come out the other side much happier, now has to navigate how to open up her heart once more...(AKA my take on a request for 'work place romance')
Relationships: Trixie Mattel/Katya Zamolodchikova
Comments: 140
Kudos: 169





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Y'all say I'm good at the slow burn shit so buckle up, ladies! 
> 
> This story wouldn't be what it is without alittlebitcloser. She has gushed about the excerpts I've sent her and we have spent countless wonderful hours going over ideas for this and the next story in the series, which will centre around some of my s12 faves. So...this is for her, first and foremost. I am grateful for every second of her attention. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy this, everyone! Please let me know and, if you fancy a chat, I'm over on tumblr with the same username. Thank you for reading :)))

“Great, you get sponsorships for sex toys and underwear and I get vitamins and anti aging creams.” Katya watched Trixie lament from across the room where she was setting up her ring light and her tripod. Katya took hold of a battery fresh out of its charger port and fit it into the compartment in the DSLR camera in her lap. It was heavier than her own but she knew Trixie preferred its larger screen and slightly clearer resolution, so they had decided to film both of their videos using Trixie’s stuff. It saved Katya lugging all her shit from her place, if nothing else. 

She smiled at Trixie, a little teasingly. She heard the satisfying click of the on button and checked the battery was indeed at one hundred percent. “Brands know I’m the slut and you’re the actual, helpful guru.” 

She stood and went over to Trixie, passing her the camera, placing her hand on the small of her back where she was bent over to check the settings on all her equipment. 

Trixie’s studio room was pristine, just like the rest of her house. Its baby pink walls served as the perfect backdrop. She had absolutely everything she could ever possibly need to ensure flattering lighting, crisp audio and the space for editing in funny comments or cut-aways in post production. It was a stark contrast to Katya’s own set up and she enjoyed working with Trixie to observe their different routines and practices, how she had spotless white drawers and cupboards and shelves full of makeup and skin care. She wondered how much it all cost in total. Of course, Trixie had barely bought any of it and Katya reaped the benefits when she was sent cruelty free red lipsticks or eyeshadow palettes that featured too many blacks and purples. It was like getting hand-me-downs but infinitely better. 

Trixie had a sofa that she used to film on sometimes, a dusky pink chesterfield Katya felt like she would ruin just by being around it. Trixie rarely did sit down, chatty videos unless she was collaborating with Katya. It made Katya feel special, that Trixie did something different with her, for her. Trixie was very good at her job, was precise and deliberate and calculated. Katya blagged it the majority of the time and it bemused her to no end that they enjoyed roughly the same amount of popularity anyway. 

Trixie asked Katya to settle into her seat so she could focus the camera and ensure it was at the right angle, and test her microphone too. They chatted away about Katya finally securing her MeUndies deal and Katya cackled when Trixie positioned herself in a range of stupidly exaggerated poses she thought Katya might adopt to model the new collection that was coming out. Trixie pressed record and perched on the other end of the sofa, knees on the cushions with her feet in the air, ass stuck out and back arched as she made an ‘unhhhh’ sound and pouted her overdrawn lips. Katya slapped at her thigh, laughing away and commenting how that would be the best intro to a video she would have ever caught on camera.

They had decided to do a good old Q&A for Trixie’s channel, filming it first before having lunch, retouching their makeup, changing outfits and then filming something for Katya’s channel. Katya didn’t know what, believing that their best content was off the cuff and spontaneous. Some of her most popular videos were ones she’d had no idea what they would turn out to be. Trixie had bought her a mug which said ‘queen of winging it’ for her last birthday and she made sure to always drink her red bull from it on camera - the phrase aptly summed her up.

“Ready?” Trixie asked, running her fingers through her long, blonde loose curls. Katya peered at her in the monitor and smiled at how they looked together, Katya with her black ripped skinny jeans and baggy vest which showed just the right amount of sideboob, and Trixie in a pink dress and elaborate makeup. It was like they were two ends of the lesbian spectrum.

Katya shifted forwards slightly so she didn’t look too small compared to Trixie then gave her the go ahead.

“ _Hi_ , I’m Trixie Mattel.”

“And I’m Katya.”

“And today we’re going to be answering questions from all you nosy whores out there.”

Trixie was in her element, phone in hand with screenshots of the responses to her Instagram story, ranging from the hilarious to the personal to the rather mundane. Trixie had selected a good amount of each type of question. They were both pretty open books with very few topics truly off limits for them. It was what caused their collaborations to be so well received, their fans always commenting that they loved them separately, but when they got together there was an added element of chaotic entertainment that no other current lesbian Youtubers displayed so genuinely and naturally. 

“Ok, so our first one is from…” Katya glanced sideways at Trixie as she struggled to read the username, like she always did. There was a particularly hilarious compilation a fan had made of all the times she had got someone’s handle wrong, plus another one of Katya cracking up because of Trixie’s apparent illiteracy. “Trixyasbedroomeyes.”

Katya whipped her head towards the camera and smouldered with her interpretation of ‘bedroom eyes’. “Hello.” She greeted the user and Trixie squawked a laugh.

“You look like you’re watching this person wipe.”

“They would be so lucky.” She quipped. “Come on, Mary, what’s the question?”

“‘Hey ladies, long time viewer, first time caller. What’s been your absolute favourite video you filmed together? Love you both lots.’”

Katya perked up instantly at that, wiggling about in her seat as she exclaimed that that was such a good question to start with. “I’d have to say that green screen video we did on my channel a few years ago that went viral still makes me laugh every time I see gifs from it. It took so, so long to edit but it was worth me actually having to do some hard work for a change and it was really fun to do.”

“Come through, improv.” Trixie agreed, snapping her fingers. “Yeah that was a good one but mine’s probably that first one we did about being gay. I know people were expecting, like, an emotional coming out with drama and conflama but we just tore into the straights instead and I’m real proud of us for our service to the LGBT community with that.” 

Katya loved Trixie’s dry delivery. People who weren’t familiar with Trixie often took it the wrong way and Katya, when sifting through the comments on her videos in moments of weakness, was always able to spot the newbies, the ones that were confused by her Barbie fantasy aesthetic seemingly contrasting her acerbic tongue. It was nice, however, how her more dedicated viewership would reply dispelling the myths. Of course, these people didn’t know her like Katya did, but they knew what Trixie put across and understood that she wasn’t mean spirited. It was a testament to Trixie’s authenticity that her persona in front of the camera was almost exactly the same as it was away from it. 

“Where are our GLAAD awards, am I right ladies?” Katya grinned and winked over dramatically. 

“To be honest,” Trixie said, “All of our videos are some of my favourites out of everything I’ve ever done. I’m proud of the work we do together.”

Katya turned to face her, to see how she ducked her chin slightly like she did whenever she was embarrassed but wasn’t completely aware she was showing it. Katya scooted over closer to her so their hips bumped and their thighs rested against each other. Katya wasn’t good at displaying sentimentality, especially not on camera, but sometimes, when she looked through tweets or responses to their videos, she wondered how true that actually was, when thousands of strangers could pinpoint something she did or said which signalled her apparent love for Trixie.

It was no secret that they were one of the most shipped pairings amongst their circle of lesbian Youtuber friends. The scene was messy and drama filled and could sometimes really be like the fucking chart from The L Word, and some of her peers lived for it and others, like herself, didn’t take much notice. She kept behaving how she had always done because to do otherwise would be a disservice to her fans, herself and, most importantly, to Trixie.

Trixie could bulldoze her down, sometimes, when she interlaced her jokes and sarcasm with a beautiful hint of unexpected sincerity. 

“Yeah I think she would have been cancelled by now if I wasn’t around to keep her in check every couple of months or so.” Katya joked but bumped her shoulder against Trixie’s to show her she appreciated what she’d said. It was hard to verbalise and much easier to convey how she felt with the subtle clues she hoped Trixie had learnt to pick up on all those years ago. 

“Cancel me, mom! Spill that scorching hot tea all over my pussy, ‘cause, sis, that’s on period.” Trixie leant forward for further dramatic effect and Katya wheezed with laughter, grabbing her forearm for stability as she lurched, too, tapping her feet on the floor like she was running on the spot. 

“Oh my god, _shut up_.” 

When they calmed, Katya kept her hand on Trixie’s forearm and turned into her to read the next question on her screen. “Skincarequeen95 wants to know, ‘which of each other’s habits annoy you the most?’” Katya sat up tall and smugly, like she was able to get one over on Trixie because of the public’s perception of her. 

Trixie looked at her with as much seriousness as she could muster in her presence. “Yours, without a doubt, is your fucking smoke breaks. When we’re working together, I’ll be like, ok, we’re in the middle of filming, cool, just leave me to sit by myself for ten minutes, that’s fine, I’m better off without you anyway.” 

Katya looked at the camera deadpan, wide eyed and nodding slowly in agreement. There was no doubt about it, her addiction was annoying to everyone else but her.

“What’s mine?” Trixie prompted.

“Umm, just, just being a bitch.”

The scream that tore through the room was loud and high pitched and would have been too piercing for comfort in Katya’s ears were it not direct from Trixie’s mouth - her trademark, one of the many ways Katya could identify her in a crowd within a split second. 

“Yeah, you all know Katya’s been helping me be a bit more personable recently.”

“It’s not working.” Katya joked.

They answered a few other questions, more beauty and fashion related, and two about their friends - who did they think had slept with the most fellow Youtubers (Katya insisted it was Violet before she had gone all U-Haul with Pearl) and who was the most attractive out of them all (Katya said Trixie and Trixie said Katya and they both beamed brightly at each other until they remembered they had to wrap up the video properly and do their outro, detailing where else online they could be found).

Once Trixie turned the camera and her lightboxes off, Katya checked her phone, lying back on the couch with her legs spread wide open. 

“You’re such a lady.” Trixie commented as she tidied a few wires away. Katya merely hummed at her comment, engrossed in trying to catch up on a text thread amongst their group. Violet and Pearl were outlining their video schedule for the next few weeks and were also inviting everyone to a big lesbian brunch at The Abbey at the end of the month. 

Katya asked Trixie about it. “I’m going if you and Kim and Naomi are.” She shrugged.

Trixie didn’t get the appeal of Violet, never had. It made Katya laugh, how vehemently Trixie would protest that she liked Violet just fine. Katya knew better. She couldn’t determine what it was in particular that turned Trixie right off but they just weren’t close. Whilst it was a shame - Katya thought the world of Violet, even if she did start a few silly rumours about her for the views and to rile their followers up - there wasn’t any true beef between them. Unlike with Violet and a few other Youtubers.

Trixie cooked them up something quick for lunch and they sat round her kitchen island, discussing what to do for Katya’s video. Katya decided to post an Instagram story asking for ideas and there were floods of replies in seconds, the majority begging for a makeup swap or for Trixie to do Katya’s makeup. 

Katya had a trademark look of red lips and a bit of eyeliner or a smoky eye if she could be bothered. She didn’t need much to have everyone fawning over her and telling her how hot she was in her comment section. She was blessed with a striking jawline and defined cheekbones and the many insecurities she possessed were based around her personality, not her looks, so she had very little regard for ensuring she applied her makeup flawlessly. That wasn’t her and her subscribers appreciated her even more for it, often telling her how she inspired them to feel more comfortable in their own skin. Katya didn’t understand how she deserved such praise and it often felt like a lot of unintentional responsibility but it was nice to read. People could be very sweet.

“Are you up for it, then?” Katya asked.

Trixie nodded readily. “More than. It’s about time someone intervened.” She smirked as Katya splashed her with some water from where she was standing at the sink, washing her hands. Trixie recorded them mucking about for her Insta stories, hyping up the fact they were filming together without explicitly mentioning it. Trixie was a true pro at giving their fans what they wanted. Almost, anyway. They weren’t making out just for clicks like some dykes they knew... 

Katya went into Trixie’s bathroom to use her makeup remover and change tops whilst Trixie organised the set up for their next video. She could hear Trixie dragging her equipment around into the optimal position, as well as one of her barstools so Katya could sit at the right height for Trixie to work on her face easily. 

Trixie always said she would have been a makeup artist if she hadn’t got lucky with Youtube. She was so fucking femme and it made Katya think more deeply about how some lesbians like Trixie could manipulate beauty standards for other women’s benefit only. Trixie didn’t give a shit about what men thought about her exaggerated contour or giant winged eyeliner. Before meeting Trixie, Katya had only viewed makeup as a tool of the patriarchy. It was still that, of course, but Trixie unknowingly made her see how femmes made their mark, their statement of protest, in a world expecting them to cater to men. 

Katya checked that she’d got rid of the stain on her lips in Trixie’s giant mirror over the sink and made sure she properly tidied away the products she’d used before straightening her ‘Sad Goth’ t-shirt and returning into the kitchen to survey Trixie’s work. “Cool. If I fall asleep sitting up whilst you do this it’s because I’m ancient, not because you’re boring.” She warned with a wink, scooting up onto the chair and swivelling to face the camera.

“Take a quick nap whilst I put another dress on, then, old lady.” Trixie skipped past her, ruffling up her hair as she went. Katya balked, flapping about in Trixie’s general direction until she rounded the corner to her bedroom.

Katya adored working with Trixie. She shied away from a lot of collaborations for many reasons, but she never passed up the opportunity to sit with Trixie and let the camera roll as they acted like utter fools for thirty minute chunks at a time. They often ended up with so much material - it was a testament to both of their editing skills that they were able to whittle it all down to more manageable lengths. Katya was sure their subscribers would have happily watched two straight hours of them bantering but Trixie preferred a more streamlined finalised product. 

The rest of the afternoon passed in a haze of laughter and the screeching of increasingly grosser comments between them. They wrapped up filming around four and decided to go get iced coffees from the local cafe before parting ways for the evening. 

Katya walked back to her place with Trixie promising to send over the footage that night. Katya waved her off, telling her there was no rush. It was no secret that she never worked herself to the bone. If she filmed during the day, there was not a cat in hell’s chance she would edit it that night. Trixie, on the other hand, worked relentlessly. She had management - the same one as Katya - but she took a lot more matters into her own hands and was always scoping out new ventures, new ideas. Katya smiled to herself, shaking her head, as she pictured Trixie getting in and booting up her iMac, putting in her SD card and laboring away on post production until she remembered to have dinner. 

It was a Monday and Katya counted her lucky stars that she wasn’t trapped in an office nine to five, slaving for The Man over something she didn’t care about and that didn’t fucking matter in the end. She might have got a bit of flack from her brother at the start of her career for choosing to do something ‘pointless’ and ‘juvenile’ but she soon managed to make him understand that, ultimately, she was an entertainer and he didn’t criticise actors or comedians for making people laugh so it wasn’t right for him to consider Katya’s job in a different light. He had apologised, eventually, and now fully supported her to the extent that he acted as her lawyer if ever she needed it. It was all first world problems, of course. Though she didn’t take her career too seriously, she also didn’t stand for being undermined. 

Settling in for the night with her laptop, she pulled up Youtube, taking a quick glance at her stats before checking her subscriptions page and seeing who had uploaded what. Violet had posted her updated vintage closet tour, Kim had done a sponsored makeup tutorial trying out new KVD products, which already had hundreds of thousands of views, and Alaska had released her latest episode of her podcast with Willam as a guest. 

Before she knew it, it was getting dark and she hadn’t checked in on Twitter. She opened the app on her phone, her laptop playing her favourite Glukoza album, and went straight to her mentions. She noticed the regulars who replied to literally everything she posted, sometimes multiple times in the hopes of being noticed, and chose a few to like. Her favourites were always either the thoughtful inputs to something she might have said about a film, TV show or political event, or the stupid memes people made from stills of her videos. 

She quickly wrote down an idea to film a video reacting to subscribers’ memes later in the week on her whiteboard, which she used to keep track of goals to reach towards, to keep her focussed and motivated. 

Just as she was about to watch something on Netflix, she got a text from Trixie telling her she had sent her the footage from earlier. 

“Thank you! You’re not still working are you?” She messaged back.

“Yeah, I’m on an editing roll! We are so funny. I hate us.” 

“Tell me about it. Violet and Pearl ‘could never’.” Katya typed out, quoting one of Violet’s most used phrases. 

“Absolutely not. I’ll be going to their brunch, btw. I’m sure everyone will be vlogging it so I might as well too. Apparently Violet’s a bit pissed at the new lot of lesbian Youtubers getting attention right now so she’s invited them to scope them out. Naomi said Alaska mentioned it in her podcast. Not naming names, obviously.”

Katya huffed a laugh. Violet had talked to her about it the week previously. She wasn’t pissed at the attention, she had merely made a few remarks about them coming out (pun intended) of nowhere. Katya couldn’t be bothered to dispel it, however. She never got involved. Besides, Violet would live for the comment section coming alive with people trying to determine who Alaska was referring to. 

“Oh my god.” She wrote, “Anyway, I think our videos will turn out great. You are a terrible human but that’s why I keep you around. And my makeup hasn’t budged! I look fierce, mama, FIERCE.”

“Setting spray is your new best friend, Katya, I’ve been telling you this for months, you sweaty bitch.”

Katya cackled to herself. It was true, but now she had her own bottle of Urban Decay All Nighter thanks to Trixie’s charity and she even considered using it regularly from then on. A miracle! Katya told Trixie as much and they ended up talking late into the night until Trixie told her she had to go and finish up her work.

Katya wished her good night. She put down her phone, looked around her empty apartment and felt the first whispers of loneliness close in on her. She didn’t sleep until the sun began to rise.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This week has been Bad for me but your comments and support mean a lot and enable me to pin point the positives. Thank you so much for reading. I hope you enjoy this chapter too.

Trixie streamed on Twitch every Tuesday, aptly advertising Twitch Tuesdays on her banners on all her social media platforms. She had a rigid upload schedule and very rarely did she not keep to it. Her subscribers saw her as dependable and thousands of them had reached out to her throughout the years, telling her how, when their own lives were messy or unstable, they could always rely on Trixie’s videos to keep them going. She never divulged how it was exactly the same case for her. 

She had stayed up late editing her video with Katya and it was ready to go live whenever Katya wanted to schedule hers. They always posted their collaborations at the same time. Trixie couldn’t remember their original reasoning behind it and, now it had become a routine for them, she would have felt strange changing it up, as would their fans. 

Because she streamed at six in the evening, she was able to get in a full day’s work beforehand. She loved nothing more than working with Katya but Katya had a completely different ethic to her, so the anal part of her considered the Monday they were together as if it wasn’t a proper work day at all. Trixie sometimes wondered what she was doing wrong - she worked a minimum of twelve hour days and enjoyed success beyond her wildest imagination but Katya still managed to have slightly better engagement than she did and almost the same amount of followers and subscribers. They started around the same time - it was how they had met - so it wasn’t like Katya had the upper hand. She was just older, as Trixie liked to remind her, and a natural and Trixie wished she was as chilled out as Katya was. 

She wished a lot of things, when it came to Katya. 

She filled her morning with as much non-desk based activity as she could. She was recording a vlog following a typical day in her life and she thought Tuesday was perfect as she could show her setup for Twitch, behind the scenes style, and film a little clip whilst she was streaming. 

She decided to use the time to do a much needed makeup drawer clear out. She set up two cameras, one overhead pointing towards the towel she had spread out on her wooden floor. Then, she lifted out all her stuff, laying it on the towel and describing what everything was and how she had stored it. She had done a studio tour video a few months ago but it didn’t hurt to recap, especially as she had reorganised some of her things since then. She brought out two giant plastic containers she had bought from Ikea - one for her ‘keep’ pile and one for her ‘give to friends or women’s shelters’ pile. It took a good couple of hours to get everything how she wanted it, the constant checking of her cameras and shifting of her lighting slowing her down, but she was satisfied once she’d finished, as she had ensured she got an adequate amount of footage showing how everything looked afterwards. 

Around mid morning, once she had answered as many of her hundreds of emails as she could, she decided to walk out to get an iced coffee. Her venture to the cafe with Katya the day before had given her a taste for caffeine all over again (she had massively cut down recently) and so she vlogged some of the short journey there, filming her feet pounding the pavement, the flowers growing on her neighbour’s bushes and the cat that was always looking out of the window in one of the houses on the corner of the street.

She took a call from her management about a brand deal proposal she was due to finish that afternoon and texted Kim asking if she wanted to FaceTime (partly) on camera once she got in. 

“If I have to.” Kim fired back in seconds and Trixie replied, joking that it was the only way she’d get any views now Crystal was fast becoming popular as a makeup lesbian. 

“Fuck, I know. She’s amazing, she completely transforms her face. No wonder everyone’s creaming themselves over that mullet.” 

Trixie paid and laughed to herself, half considering asking her Twitter followers to quickly photoshop Kim with the infamous hair do so she could send it to her. She didn’t have time, however, rushing home, drink in hand and condensation running down her reusable cup in the sun. 

She filmed a segment with Kim, screen recording their conversation too to see what would work best when editing, so she could potentially intersperse the two lots of footage or combine them in a funky split screen situation. She also had a proper chat with her once she had turned her camera off. Kim was in the process of working on a collaboration with a highly esteemed makeup company and Trixie cheered her on, sensing that having to navigate their specifications was tiring her out. 

Trixie didn’t mind doing AD videos or sponsored posts - it was how she got the majority of her money as Adsense certainly didn’t pay enough to cover her bills - but it could sometimes be very frustrating to try and meet the brand’s demands and criteria. Whilst she hadn’t ever worked with a company that completely called the shots and squashed her ideas outright, she felt like she had to strive twice as hard to ensure she could still feel in control and as creative as she did when she was making non-sponsored content. 

After she finished up with Kim, she sorted her lunch and filmed each step, arranging her tripod over her stove top to film a time lapse of her pans as her food cooked and she added more ingredients. She shot a birds eye view of her pushing her plate into frame on her marble countertop and then ate her meal in front of her laptop, catching up on Pearl’s latest character story time upload. Trixie was relieved to see audiences finally picking up on the fact that Pearl was fucking hilarious and not just a pretty face with a chill personality. Pearl balanced Violet out perfectly, in that respect, and Violet gave her more confidence to show aspects of herself she might not have done otherwise. 

Trixie tried not to let a spike of jealousy pierce her, instead clicking into her Google Docs and reading over what she had written so far. She had been asked to create a video in partnership with Native, a natural deodorant brand which was also branching out into soaps, body washes and toothpastes. The brand rep had said they would be happy with pretty much any style of video but Trixie wanted to ensure hers stood out as several other lesbian Youtubers had also been given a deal too. 

At the end of every week, she livestreamed Full Coverage Fridays on her Youtube channel, a twenty five minute or so set of her playing songs on an acoustic guitar whilst wearing a full face of makeup and really dolling up. She’d first had the idea after subscribers had begged to hear her play more often when she had mentioned it in an earlier video that her late grandpa had taught her when she was a kid. It was the one time she let loose a bit more, only picking what she would play on the day. 

For her video with Native, however, she thought it would be cute to either make up a song or change the lyrics to a cover in order to fit in the information that the brand wanted her to convey. 

She finished her proposal and filmed herself for the vlog teasing at what it could possibly be, without giving much away to avoid getting into trouble. It was widely made fun of, how Youtubers and influencers often liked telling their followers that something exciting was in the works but that they ‘couldn’t say what just yet’, but, as everything agreed with companies was subject to an NDA, it could get really serious if the terms weren’t met. 

She spent the rest of the afternoon replying to emails and comments and catching up on her group chats. She hadn’t heard from Katya since the night before but, she reminded herself, that was completely normal as Katya had the tendency to vanish for extended periods of time, doing god knows what. 

The resentful part of her couldn’t help but wonder if she really did get sucked into sex parties and wild orgies like Violet always implied. Violet didn’t joke around much. It was not as if she was always serious, per se, but she wasn’t like Trixie and Katya. She said what she meant and she meant what she said. So when she had made many, _many_ comments in videos and in person about Katya getting the most pussy out of any of them, all the while keeping it on the down low, Trixie had taken it as gospel. And perhaps cried herself to sleep a few times, too.

She filmed herself sprucing up for Twitch, mentioning offhand a few products she’d been sent in PR packages recently that she was trying out, then went into her studio to set up her monitors, green screen and microphone. Once she had got everything sorted and talked through it for the vlog, she went live, choosing to play The Sims first before letting her viewers choose what next. Thousands of subscribers tuned in every week. That Tuesday, in the virtual company of people from all over the world, people who adored her and fangirled over her, she couldn’t shake the feeling that the one person she wanted with her would never want to be with her in the same way. 

She had met Katya at their very first Vidcon, back in the days when being invited to such an event was a novelty beyond comprehension. They hadn’t been on any panels that year but they had hosted meet and greets and attended all the LGBT after parties. It turned out they had both watched each other's videos and admired each other’s work from afar so, when they met face to face, there were no awkward introductions or explanations of what kind of content they made. Trixie hated that kind of small talk but had understood how necessary it was, when her channel was still growing, to network and potentially bag some collaborations with more popular Youtube personalities. 

They hit it off straight away, spending all their time together, meeting other Youtubers like Violet, Pearl, Alaska and Courtney (who were well established and, quite frankly, legendary, so it was an honour for them to want to hang out with smaller creators). Trixie already knew Kim and Naomi from when they all lived in Chicago together but Katya, still all the way out in Boston at the time, didn’t have any connections. It baffled Trixie, initially, how Katya wasn’t bothered, how she was happy to chat with everyone because she was genuinely interested in them, not because of what they could potentially do to service her career. Katya unknowingly made Trixie see that she had gone into Vidcon with entirely the wrong approach and, by the end of it, when she had befriended all who she had, it had been down to Katya’s influence. Now, those relationships were still going strong.

When Katya eventually moved to LA, Trixie signed to a new management company and, after a few months of testing them out, she advised Katya to join the roster too. Of course, it was a professional suggestion but, in Trixie’s pathetic, pining mind, it was also one flimsy way to have Katya connected to her. 

Once she finished her stream and turned off all her equipment, she went and made dinner, doing the same kind of thing as she had done when filming her lunch. The silence of her apartment deafened her so she pulled up Youtube and caught up on her subscriptions. 

By nightfall, she couldn’t resist looking over her text thread with Katya and sending her a funny meme. She pressed down on her own chest when she didn’t get a response. She went through her night time skin care routine and signed off for the vlog once she got into bed, bare face oiled and moisturised. 

She sighed, clutching her sheets and thinking over the first night at Vidcon when they had all piled into Alaska’s hotel room and got absolutely smashed, divulging their dirty secrets and, in some cases, creating new ones. Violet managed to get Miss Fame, a supposedly straight makeup and fashion Youtuber, involved in a threesome with another vlogger’s assistant; Willam had dropped by with a literal legion of women hanging off her arm and it was safe to say that she had consumed a whole concoction of drugs (Trixie didn’t touch a damn thing); Courtney had wandered off then returned with a young musician, Adore, who had brought out her guitar and had got them all singing Hole at the top of their voices; and Katya had sat beside Trixie the entire time, laughing raucously at almost everything she said. 

It had been an incredible night and, if Trixie was being honest with herself, was probably when she started to believe in love at first sight. 

The rest of her week sped by in a flurry. She had to attend a few meetings and go into her management’s offices for a catch up with the team, who were all continually impressed with her output and numbers. Native had eagerly accepted her proposal so she filmed the video on the Thursday before it went live on Friday. She forewarned her subscribers that she was doing something a little different but, in the end, they ate it up, the majority mentioning how, even though it was a sponsored video, Trixie didn’t forfeit the usual quality and that they looked forward to a regular livestream the week after. 

Audiences were a lot more attuned, nowadays, to creators’ paid work and so were less likely to pop off in the comments section about her ‘selling out’. It had been difficult to reconcile, at the start of her doing Youtube full time, her feelings of elation that brands sought her out and wanted to work with her versus some of her viewership ignorantly criticising her for supposedly being a walking advertisement. She had to very kindly and patiently explain that the majority of her content was free and that she had to earn money to continue to up the production value of her videos, to keep progressing in her field and ensure she was providing the best entertainment to her subscribers as she possibly could. 

She loved her job more than anything, to the point where she couldn’t imagine doing anything else. It wasn’t at all stable and sometimes she woke in the night in a cold sweat, panicking that everything she had built for herself would be taken away from her in an instant, but, for the most part, she was living her dream. 

On Saturday, Kim hosted a pool party at her house for her close inner circle. Trixie teased her, screeching that Kim had not once got in the water herself, but was excited to attend and vlog the PG activities, at least. 

Trixie had gotten a (delayed) response from Katya earlier that morning and had managed to convince her to come to Kim’s too. “That pale corpse body of yours needs at least some vitamin D every now and then.” She had said over iMessage, feeling her face heat as she pictured Katya in her swimming gear.

The morning of the party was sunny and scorching and Trixie took her time shaving her legs and her bikini line. She responded to a few comments on her Native video, reposted it to Twitter in case people hadn’t seen it and got herself some breakfast, texting back and forth with Kim about whether she’d survive seeing Naomi in even less that she usually wore. Kim had recently realised that her feelings towards her best friend weren’t at all platonic and Trixie, though she felt like such a hypocrite whilst doing so, had spent hours encouraging Kim to let Naomi know, reassuring her that Naomi wouldn’t hurt her. Naomi hadn’t told Trixie as much, but it was close enough to a given that she felt the same way about Kim but was too scared to ruin what they had. 

Trixie put on her favourite gingham swimsuit and some denim shorts. She got an Uber over to Kim’s place, bringing along enough alcohol to inebriate a small army, and helped her decorate her backyard and pool area with fairy lights and bunting. They pulled out all the chairs from Kim’s kitchen to add to the outdoor ones at her patio table and joked that they should work together more often. 

“I thought you said you’d never work with me again when you found out Chipotle sent me a gift card for Pride and not you.” Trixie shot her a shit eating grin.

“Chipotle! _Chipotle_! I will never be over that. I fucking introduced you to Chipotle. Bitch.” Kim exclaimed and Trixie cackled as she poured them each a very strong drink. She had a feeling they would both need it. 

The rest of the gang filtered in over the following couple of hours, vlogging cameras and even more alcohol in hand, Alaska greeting everyone with her infamous “Hieeeee!” 

Katya arrived last. Because of course she did. Trixie felt her whole body tingle with the recognition of her presence, even before she heard her wheeze laugh, or the pitter patter of her feet on the floor when she found something particularly hilarious and had to do a little jog on the spot to expend some of her energy; before she smelled her perfume or felt her hug her from behind - it was that kind of sixth sense she possessed, that she so desperately wished she didn’t.

Violet and Pearl were lounging by the side of the pool on their fronts, facing each other with matching towels underneath them. They looked like absolute models, much to Trixie’s annoyance as she was sweating profusely already and the sun wasn’t even at its hottest quite yet. Thank fuck for setting spray, she thought to herself, patting her temples to check her foundation hadn’t come off. Alaska, Courtney and Willam were guffawing away at a dirty story Willam was telling around the table, and Naomi and Adore were admiring some photos on Naomi’s phone that she had just got sent back from a campaign she had shot for an athletic wear brand. 

Trixie let herself sink into Katya’s embrace when there was no sign that she was taking her arms away any time soon. 

“It’s good to know you’ve finally evolved into your final form as a limpet.” Trixie said instead of a hello.

“Does that mean you’re my rock?” Katya retorted. Trixie could feel her smiling against her neck, against her tacky skin where she had applied plenty of suncream. She was glad she had her back to her, right then. 

Before she could try and come up with a reply that didn’t expose her completely, Violet shouted them over. “Oi, whores, come here with us. Tell us about your collabs.”

Katya bounded over to where Violet and Pearl were sitting up, making space on their towels. Trixie got a first glimpse at what Katya was wearing. She swallowed - hard - as she noted the tiny black triangle bikini, the way one side of Katya’s bottoms rode up higher on her ass cheek than the other. She had her hair up in a messy bun so Trixie had an unobstructed view of her back tattoos and she had gotten a new one on her calf that Trixie thought was so fucking creepy but so fucking Katya. 

Trixie watched Katya hug both Violet and Pearl, plonking herself down next to Violet and adjusting her shades. Trixie shook herself out of her reverie and took the space beside Pearl, nodding to a book beside her in questioning.

“She’s an educated bitch now.” Pearl referred to herself and Trixie laughed, mouth wide open.

“You still haven’t read Macbeth though.”

“So…?” Violet prompted, interrupting the small sparring session Trixie had hoped to instigate with her friend.

“Well, Miss Trixie Mattel over here finally did my makeup.” Katya announced, to the eruption of over dramatic cheering and whooping.

“Finally.” Pearl agreed.

“All your subscribers are gonna soak their fucking panties when it goes live.” Violet remarked. “When will that be by the way?”

“I don’t know.” Trixie jumped in, seizing the opportunity to ask Katya when she would be done with her video. 

“Mine’s all edited and ready to go now too so just say the word, mama.” Katya smiled at her. It soothed her previous concerns about Katya disappearing on her. She could at least delude herself into thinking Katya had just gone down an editing hole and was now out the other side, ready to have the kind of talks with her that lasted hours again, to hang out and _be there_. 

“Monday? Start the week off right?”

“Sure.” Katya chirped and Pearl started telling them about the video she and Violet were currently filming - a week without sex - and how truly torturous it was but would undoubtedly be fucking hilarious in the end. “That’s amateur.” Katya rolled her eyes. “Try _months_ like me. Then you’ll know true suffering.”

Trixie froze and heard nothing else for the rest of the conversation.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for making you wait a bit longer than usual for this one. I've been a very busy bee but hopefully things are settling down a bit so I can finally crack on with finishing this story (chapter 10 is still unwritten arghhhh). 
> 
> I love this chapter, personally - there's a Youtube challenge, some pining and more Violet being Violet, which I know a certain someone will appreciate ;)
> 
> Thank you so much for reading! You can find me over on tumblr with the same username.

Katya would have been a total blind bitch to have not caught the confusion clouding Trixie’s face. The discussion had moved on to which of the new batch of lesbian Youtubers Violet would be inviting to her brunch but Katya couldn’t concentrate on Pearl protesting that, actually, _she_ was inviting Crystal because she was the one to have befriended her first. Trixie’s expression was stuck in her mind, even when it had morphed into her best approximation of enthusiasm, the kind she sometimes rolled out when she was amongst a group and didn’t feel wholly comfortable. Katya knew that look, had spent precious hours learning how to wipe it away with a joke or an elaborate story that ultimately never went anywhere. So what was it that she had said that had evidently got Trixie into a bit of a state?

Trixie eventually softened and Katya felt herself release the tension that had overtaken her body, easing her shoulders down and away from her ears. She observed Trixie closely nonetheless in the following few hours but, truth be told, there wasn’t an instance when they were together that she didn’t. 

She had formed many bad habits in her lifetime and, whilst it would be an insult to her former struggle with addiction to compare it to how she had depended on weed to get through the fucking day, there were similarities when she was in Trixie’s presence. It was one of the reasons she shut herself off sometimes. If she didn’t, her feelings - overwhelming, overpowering stupid fucking feelings - would get the better of her, and she couldn’t trust herself not to indulge in them and ruin the one professional and personal relationship she was so proud of having created. 

Katya was unlike a lot of the others in the group. She kept to herself. She could be very out there and energetic and possessed a great deal of exhibitionism, of course (it was those characteristics which enabled her to do her job to the standard that she did), but she was, at heart, massively introverted. The fact that she was thirty one and had never had a successful long term relationship was something she was deeply insecure about because, in the past few months or so, she had begun to crave it again, more than she ever did a cigarette or something stronger. And she knew who she wanted, but she knew herself better - she had a real tendency to destroy everything (and everyone) she touched.

Katya wasn’t much of a drinker. She had a few, and accepted a cocktail Trixie had made especially for her because she would be loath to refuse anything from Trixie, and the combination of lack of food and the heat made her light headed and floppy. She got into the pool to cool off and, she hoped, regain some composure and, when Naomi offered to pull her around on a float, she readily accepted. 

She lay back with her eyes closed and asked Naomi how she was. They chatted away about work for a bit before lapsing into comfortable silence until Trixie and Kim joined them. 

“Oh, fun’s over now.” Naomi quipped, voice flat in deadpan delivery.

Katya prised her eyes open, watching Trixie giving her the finger and practically shoving Kim along, deeper into the water, playfully ridiculing her for owning a pool but never venturing into it. 

“Leave her alone, you meanie, just because you used to swim in the fucking swamps of backwoods Wisconsin as a kid doesn’t mean everyone else did.” Naomi said and Katya barked out a laugh. 

“Come lie with me here before you pick on someone else, you rotted cunt.” Katya ordered, carefully shuffling over on the blow up lounger and patting the small space beside her. 

Trixie hesitated for a split second but, upon locking eyes with Kim, shrugged and tried to clamber up without tipping the float over and pushing Katya off into the water. It took a few attempts, and many screams, but eventually Trixie settled next to her, the float not actually big enough for two people so they had to manoeuvre onto their sides. 

Naomi encouraged Kim to hold on to the float like she was doing and Katya couldn’t help but smile at them, at what everyone else could see so clearly unfolding, slowly but surely. It worried her that they could pinpoint the same tell tale signs within her. 

“Have you vlogged much?” Katya asked Trixie to re-centre her attention.

“Not really. I’ll probably end up doing a compilation video of clips over the span of a couple of weeks. I can’t be bothered right now, to be frank.” 

Katya made a show of gasping. She tried not to think about the parts of their bodies that were touching, bare skin upon bare skin hot and smooth and sticky. She took a deep breath in the short reprieve she was given as Trixie rolled her eyes.

“Your laziness has inspired me.” Trixie brought her hand underneath her cheek to pillow it.

Out of the corner of her eye, Katya caught Kim and Naomi joking with each other, faces close and mouths upturned in gentle smiles. Her heart fluttered and she quickly brought her gaze back to Trixie, which only made things worse. Trixie was watching her. Katya stuck her tongue out to make her laugh and tucked a stray lock of hair behind her ear so she had an unobstructed view of Trixie’s face, so she could recognise if there were any signs of unease like before. 

She heard Willam shout, “Shit, look at these fucking lovebirds!” She paid her no mind, however, convincing herself that she was referring to Kim and Naomi. 

At least one of the group of them was filming at that moment and she wondered, when their videos would be made live, how many comments there would be about Trixie and Katya cuddling up together. She wasn’t stupid, nor was she resentful, that Willam or Alaska would no doubt purposefully angle their camera in such a way as to show Trixie and Katya in the background of their shot, surreptitiously enough to look accidental but clear enough to start a comment thread or two (or one hundred). 

As the sun began to set, Adore announced that she had brought everyone balloons to fill with water and dye in order for them all to compete in the white t-shirt challenge for her channel. Trixie and Katya dried themselves off and Katya wandered back inside to find her bag where she had shoved her baggy black harem pants. She pulled them on, plus one of the t-shirts Adore had provided, and rested her chin on Courtney’s shoulder as they all waited on the patio for Adore to finish scrambling about. 

Trixie and Alaska helped her set up several cameras to catch the action and Violet drew ‘boundaries’ on the stone floor where partners had to stand when being the targets. Willam yelled at her to make the space smaller and Violet shouted back that if it was any smaller whoever had the misfortune of partnering with Willam would end up catching her diseases. Everyone screamed in delight, with Willam telling her to fuck off at the top of her voice. Katya laughed into Courtney’s perfectly coiffed hair and Courtney hurried everyone along, reminding them that the light was just right and that if they left it any longer they’d have to keep changing the exposure on their cameras. 

Unsurprisingly, Kim partnered up with Naomi, Trixie pulled Katya off of Courtney to stand with her, Courtney grabbed Adore, Willam and Alaska pronounced themselves winners already and Violet and Pearl wrapped their arms around each other, Violet giving Pearl a pep talk, her competitiveness as prevalent as ever. 

“Who’s going to aim at who?” Adore asked over the fighting talk breaking out between everyone. 

“I think we should just aim at you for having this dumbass idea.” Willam retorted. 

“Guys, come on.” Alaska drawled, clearly getting impatient. 

“Ok,” Courtney commandeered everyone. “Seeing as it’s your video, Adore, why don’t you and I just do the aiming and each couple takes it in turns. So like, after ten throws each, we swap targets?” 

“Cool, I’m down.” Everybody managed to agree, with Willam and Alaska volunteering to stand against the wall across from the pool first. There was a backdrop of ivory tiles behind them which, visually, served them well and they clung to each other, laughing away, as they got into position, keeping inside the lines Violet had drawn on the floor. 

Katya flung her arm around Trixie’s waist as they watched Adore do her video intro with Courtney, explaining the rules and who was teamed with who. Then, the game began and Katya only hoped that Kim’s neighbours weren’t going to get pissed at the sheer noise of them all screaming and cheering. Trixie celebrated extra loudly when Courtney managed to hit Willam and Katya speculated whether Trixie felt like it was a little bit of payback for Willam’s comment earlier.

Katya volunteered for them to go next. She grabbed Trixie’s hand and dragged her to the other side of the pool, all the while Trixie was exclaiming how they absolutely could not get beaten by “that junkie whore” and “the most uncoordinated person in West Hollywood, apart from Kim” that she knew of. Trixie’s fiery attitude raised goosebumps on Katya’s skin and she grinned at her, encouraging her to dodge and weave like her life depended on it. 

Before they knew it, red and blue water balloons were being launched their way. Sometimes they stepped apart from each other to avoid being hit, sometimes they had to cling to each other for safety when Courtney or Adore focussed their attack on one of them in particular. Trixie’s screeches were high pitched and Katya couldn’t help but laugh as Trixie very narrowly avoided being splattered. The devilish part of her wanted Trixie to get hit so her t-shirt would become see through and she would be required to calm her down afterwards, to rub soothing circles on her lower back. There was a reason there were so many fan compilations of Katya gripping onto Trixie’s arm as she laughed and it was becoming more obvious to her with the passing of every day that she would take advantage of any excuse to touch Trixie.

Adore and Courtney held on to their last balloons, the others cheering them on. Violet practically screamed at them to “fucking take them out, oh my god, it’s not hard!” Pearl told her to shut up, putting her hand over Violet’s mouth. Katya almost missed registering the balloon flying across the pool in her direction but ducked just in the nick of time. She breathed a sigh of relief, stood up and checked Trixie was alright. She was panting too, but her t-shirt was largely clean. When Trixie checked her over in return and saw the same, she brought Katya into a hug and they jumped up and down in celebration. 

“And _that’s_ how it’s done!” Trixie gloated, skipping back to the patio. Katya held her hand, shared her delight. 

Once everyone had had a turn, they all lined up against the white wall, linking arms before jumping into the pool together for the final part of the video. Trixie clung to Katya’s back, pretending that her t-shirt was weighing her down so she couldn’t swim just by herself. Katya huffed a laugh at her excuse and relished in the press of Trixie’s heavy breasts against her shoulder blades, her arms holding onto her tightly. 

After they had all dried off, Kim and Naomi got started on sorting out food for everyone and Courtney offered to help, ever the kind soul. Pearl and Trixie went to make drinks so Katya and Violet huddled up together, Violet sitting on Katya’s lap on one of the chairs from Kim’s kitchen. 

“Has it really been months since you’ve had sex?” Violet inquired and Katya thanked a god she didn’t believe in that she had to tact to keep her voice down. 

“Don’t remind me.” Katya pinched her hip.

“Like, I know back when you were getting better you weren’t in the headspace for hooking up and everything so that’s why we agreed on me saying all that shit but I thought, by now, I’d be telling more of the truth.”

Katya shrugged, jostling Violet slightly in the process. “So did I, to be honest. I dunno, I guess it’s a mixture of being so out of the whole routine of it and...and I think I’m ready to focus on something more serious, too.”

Violet turned to her with her mouth agape. Katya was thankful she didn’t make any dramatic noises, however, her own admission being barely more than a whisper. As much as she loved the girls, they sometimes had a tendency to pounce on new gossip and take it to levels beyond Katya’s comfort. In their world, talk _wasn’t_ cheap. 

“Don’t say anything.” She shot Violet what she thought was a stern look but, given Violet’s reaction, was probably a lot more panicked. She managed to smile. “I don’t want my subscribers thinking I’m fucking advertising myself and will wife one of them down.”

Violet huffed a laugh. “Does Trixie know?” 

Katya frowned. “No, we don’t really talk about that stuff. Besides, this is not like some grand announcement so why would she?” 

Violet relented and soon got to ranting about something else. The sweat at the back of Katya’s neck itched at her skin, added to the unease she felt. The slight weight of Violet resting upon her grounded her and kept her fixed in place, but a part of her was trapped, too - she was emotionally stunted and she didn’t know how to approach a long term relationship that would last, especially when the one person she could picture herself with was the one person she absolutely could not actually proposition. 

It was dark out by the time Kim, Naomi and Courtney served up the food. There was a big selection of vegetarian and vegan dishes, some Korean, some Mediterranean inspired, and even more alcohol, wine and Prosecco instead of cocktails, however. Kim turned on her fairy lights and Adore connected her phone to her portable speaker and everyone sat close together at the table, shoulders bumped together. Laughter filled the air like pleasant vapour. Katya sat between Courtney and Trixie and neglected her food in favour of entertaining everyone by retelling the story of throwing her sex doll (Jennifer) down Courtney’s trash chute. 

“Wasn’t that the one without any limbs?” Trixie asked.

“Yeah…” Katya admitted, pulling a face before everyone screamed with amusement. 

“You are officially _nasty_.”

The rest of the night passed in the same vein, the others telling their grossest secrets and getting increasingly more wasted until Alaska droned that they were all getting too old to barely be able to stand. “Fuck, those younger, more fresh faced lesbians don’t know how good they have it.” 

“God, remember being like them? New to the scene and wide eyed in wonder at getting paid to create content and be openly gay. Now it’s just our normal. How lucky is that, really?” Courtney added to everyone’s agreement. 

Katya had fallen into it by complete accident. She had made a video for her friend but it had been too big to send over email so she simply uploaded it to YouTube, ignorant to the fact that thousands of other people happened upon it too and thought she was hilarious. When her friend had pointed it out and told her there were comments asking her to post another, she was surprised but didn’t need any further encouragement. And, thus, her channel was born. She started out with calling it WELOVEKATYA, named from the unexpected outpouring of adoration she had received. Then, years later, she changed it to her actual name. It was easier and it was her. 

She had never made it a secret that she was a lesbian in her videos but she had posted a specific one dedicated to sharing her experiences with coming out after she had been inundated with requests. It was still one of her most highly viewed and she got hundreds of comments every week, telling her that it helped, that people had come across it and related to the key messages and laughed until they cried at how she interspersed the serious stuff with her bizarre humour. She was proud to have had that impact on so many people.

By midnight, she was well and truly done in. She sat with Alaska on Kim’s sofa, the party having moved indoors with most of the others dancing to Lady Gaga, crowded together on the floor space in front of Kim’s giant TV. Katya watched Trixie waving her arms above her head as Kim was being accosted into dancing with Naomi, their hands interlocked in between their bodies. Katya smiled to herself until she sensed Alaska studying her. 

“Yes, I am beautiful, no I’m not interested.” She smirked and tore her eyes away to face Alaska.

“Shut up!” Alaska laughed. “I don’t think your fans would be happy with that relationship development - they’ve still not forgiven me for winning that Shorty award instead of you.” 

“I can’t believe you came into my house and _robbed_ me of that little dolphin fin.” Katya grinned, grabbing onto Alaska’s hand and shaking it in the air between them as she laughed. 

“You’re an idiot. Do you and Trixie fancy coming on the podcast next week?”

“I thought you’d got a ‘big name celeb’?” Katya imitated one of Alaska’s excited texts from the group chat. 

“They pulled out. Something else cropped up.”

“So we’re the next best thing?”

Alaska nodded. “Exactly. Are you free then?”

“I am, I don’t know about miss thing over there though.” Katya jutted her chin out in Trixie’s direction. She watched as she spun around, momentarily losing her balance but steadying herself on Adore who was none the wiser. Her denim shorts were tight and accentuated the roundness of her ass, the curve of her hips. Her breasts bounced up and down as she moved to the beat and, if Katya squinted, she could see a trickle of sweat slide down into her deep cleavage, below the low cut of her swimsuit. 

Alaska cleared her throat and Katya turned back to her, hoping the flush upon her face would pass as sunburn. “Let me know tomorrow, first thing.” Alaska said. Katya promised she would and excused herself to use the bathroom.

As she passed through the throng of people, she placed her hand delicately on Trixie’s hip to shift her out of the way. Trixie held onto her and smiled, so wide and dopey, that it took all of Katya’s restraint not to pull her in and cuddle her to her chest. 

“You’re not leaving are you?” Trixie screeched.

“No. Going to pee, if that’s alright with you.” 

“More than alright.” She slurred then visibly seemed to catch herself, like she’d just said something outrageous. 

Katya merely quirked an eyebrow, confused, and eased herself out of Trixie’s grip. 

She went down the corridor and splashed her face with cold water as soon as she locked the bathroom door behind her. She peed, washed her hands and sat on the lid of the toilet to take a few steady breaths. She didn’t know why she had gotten so much in her feelings recently, she had been doing fine. After what had happened with her ex, she had pulled herself up, slowly (very slowly) dusted herself off and managed to rebuild parts of herself that she had neglected, if not actively tried to destroy or waste away. It had taken a lot of covering up - with Violet’s help - and the effects, she was sure, were long lasting, but she could see a future with someone else sharing it with her for the first time since before everything fell apart. For as much as it was exciting, it was terrifying too.

Alaska’s podcast centred a lot around dating, relationships and life as a lesbian woman. She discussed some of these topics with Trixie, on and off camera. Some, she didn’t. It was one of those unspoken things between them, one which she wasn’t sure if she instigated or if Trixie did, or if they both spurred each other on into that particular kind of silence. 

After a few more minutes, Katya gathered herself and showed her face once more. She was pulled into dancing with Courtney and Alaska. Adore jumped up and down in her face and half-yelled the lyrics to Bad Romance in that gravelly, grunge voice which had first made her so popular on Youtube. Her thick, red hair bounced, seemingly surrounding everyone in her vicinity and Katya, wrapped up, breathed easier, feeling embraced, not alone. She was amongst her own, she was ok. 

She caught Trixie’s eye across the room and grinned, and Trixie did too. Katya blew her a kiss like an offering. Perhaps it was time to ease herself open. Perhaps Trixie would keep her admissions close like they were precious to her, too.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, hello, good evening, how are you, hellooooo. Here's another chapter and, yes, things kick off a bit...
> 
> Thank you to everyone reading. I very much appreciate it! I'm over on tumblr with the same username :))))

Alaska recorded her podcast in her home studio. Trixie had only gone to Alaska’s place a few times, the first being when Alaska had invited her onto her podcast by herself when her channel was really starting to pick up, when some of Alaska’s subscribers had seen them hang out and began following her too. A lot of Trixie’s ‘generation’ of Youtuber friends had been uplifted by the likes of Alaska and Courtney and, as much as Violet wanted to think of herself as the centre of the whole scene, it was Alaska that really had a lasting legacy, that started to shape the community. She had been featured in a range of films and TV shows and was able to venture beyond online platforms like few had before. Trixie admired how savvy she was, how determined. They had a lot in common and yet were so different, as well. 

Trixie arrived before Katya and greeted Alaska with air kisses, accepting a large, homemade iced coffee already laid out on Alaska’s kitchen counter, metal straw clinking the rim of her glass as she raised it to take a sip. They caught up on bits of gossip here and there and Alaska showed Trixie a few shots she had taken on her phone to be uploaded for her MeUndies sponsorship later that week. “Those are so cool.” She gushed, though half her mind was enraptured, imagining what Katya’s would turn out like. 

When Alaska went to let Katya in, Trixie shook out her arms, the nervous energy that had built up within her since the party in need of expending, and quickly. Soon enough, she was faced with Katya’s wide smile, trademark red lips and blonde hair swaying in natural waves at her shoulders. She was only wearing mascara and her forehead was sweaty. Alaska had had the foresight to turn up the aircon, at least. Katya greeted Trixie first, hugging her before moving on to Alaska and doing the same. Trixie rubbed up and down the side of her thigh, burdened with the thought that, in that moment, Katya treated them as if they were exactly the same. It was childish but she wanted more. 

Alaska had a round table where she and her guests could sit and all face each other whilst still being in frame. Microphones on adjustable stands reached over like crooked arms and wires snaked on the floor, held in place by small strips of gaffa tape. Katya slurped on her drink as she plonked down on one of the chairs and Trixie watched her kick her legs about, laughing at something Alaska had said, as she too took a seat. 

“What’s the topic today?” Trixie asked, slightly miffed that Alaska hadn’t given them any time to prepare. She supposed that was intentional, however. Alaska often stressed that her podcasts were conversations, in the hopes that listeners could feel like part of a group of friends having a chat and discussing whatever they wanted, however they wanted. 

“I was thinking about navigating relationships, both romantic and not, when in the public eye. Would that be ok, Katya? Would you be alright talking a little bit about what happened with you? Don’t feel pressured.”

Katya shrugged. “You know what, I’m getting to the point where it’s like, actually, I should maybe verbalise some shit. It might help me, it might help someone else. So yeah, let’s do it. This all ok with you, Trix?”

Trixie frowned. Why the hell was she asking her that? Katya was the one that shied away from her on those topics. Oh but now she was suddenly going to bare all for Alaska and her audience? 

Trixie shifted in her seat, actively stopped herself from folding her arms. “Of course.” She replied. She counted to ten in her head whilst Alaska got set up. She didn’t look at Katya, didn’t let her resentments taint what, actually, she had been hankering after for months now. Sure, it might not have been the way she wanted it to go, but Trixie was finally about to learn more about Katya’s break up. She couldn’t pass up an opportunity like that, nor could she put Katya off by being so sour faced. 

She made stupid comments, eliciting unabashed laughter from Katya, until Alaska told them both to calm the fuck down and sit properly. Trixie smirked as Katya rolled her eyes, and pulled the mic towards her face, straightening her spine and rolling her shoulders down her back. Katya slouched, generally appeared way more lax. She was casual. Trixie was rehearsed, uptight. And yet, Trixie was the one left wondering about so much.

“Hieeee!” Alaska began with her catchphrase and introduced the podcast and its sponsors. “Today we’ve got YouTube’s hottest lesbians this side of West Hollywood, the incomparable, and sometimes unbearable, Trixie Mattel and Katya!” Alaska drew out the last syllable of Katya’s name in a husky whisper and the two of them cheered, Katya wiggling her arms about and posing with her leg in the air.

“Oh hi, snake.” Trixie leant forward and smirked, quoting what some incredibly nasty ‘haters’ once used to call Alaska. 

Katya merely made a ‘sssss’ sound right up close to the mic, her nose squashing against the grill, and wriggled her body, impersonating the animal. Alaska laughed with them and told them to shut up, to which Trixie fired back that that wasn’t very conducive to making a podcast. 

Once they had all settled down, Alaska got each of them to briefly explain the origins of their channel and what kind of content they created currently, including what they did together. “Cool.” She drawled and explained to the listeners how she had some questions she had compiled from them that Trixie and Katya would answer at the end.

“So you’ve got to suffer through Katya being forced to say nice things about me against her will until then.” Trixie said, motioning threatening Katya with a knife, contorting her face into what she knew wouldn’t look at all menacing despite her efforts. 

They joked around a little more, coming up with more elaborate ways to convince Katya to show a little sentimentality and for Trixie to be a bit more pleasant generally. 

“Well, I think that segues quite well into what we’re talking about today.” Alaska added, refocusing their attention to the topic at hand. “Sentimentality, like, I think that’s a good place to start because, I don’t know about you guys, but I’ve sometimes definitely experienced a weird disjoint between a lot of people engaging with my posts that are about my friends and what we’re doing together and me bigging them up on a personal level, and then the criticism I’ve received in the past for advertising what they’re doing and supposedly ‘taking advantage’ of my relationship with them to plug their projects. Have either of you been through something similar?” 

“I can see how that might have happened if I’d have gotten into Youtube a little earlier than I did, but I think people are a bit more savvy about how this job works, now, and I think all of our friends have done well in being a bit more transparent. For me, it’s more like...I wouldn’t ever want any of the people close to me to think I’m just friends with them because of what audience they can draw in or because they benefit my career. Having something like Youtube in common is really helpful. For the most part, we’re one big community looking out for each other and cheering each other on. As gay women, too, it’s so important to stick together and celebrate other gay women’s success.” 

“Absolutely.” Alaska intoned, her messy blonde hair flopping back and forth in her half up half down style as she nodded in agreement. “How have you both come to find having ‘public friendships’ that are constantly up for scrutiny or, on the other side of it, glorification?”

“We’re definitely in a position that other people might not entirely relate to.” Katya answered. “Like, we’re not of the echelon of, say, Julia Roberts, y’know, where she can’t leave her fuckin’ house without being recognised, but we’re also not like average Joe down the street who can post a selfie he took with his friend and not have hundreds of thousands of people gush over it or critique it. Listen, ultimately, I would be a fool, and, uh, frankly very ignorant, to complain about anything when my job gives me the chance to hang out with my friends, get paid to do what I love and make people laugh. The positives will always outweigh the slight difficulties, or, uh, like, the things that take a moment to adapt to.”

“Yeah, like, if nothing else, it just appears incredibly tone deaf to be like ‘I just want privacy’ or whatever when, of course, we don’t have to show every part of our lives online, and we don’t, and because part of it is all in the job description in the first place, we’re prepared for it. It’s much more validating and fulfilling to think that our subscribers can see us as a group of lesbian friends and that be normal, y’know? Back when I was younger, I couldn’t name one lesbian apart from Ellen. Now, I want to show people that you can be a lesbian and be successful and have like minded people who love you unconditionally in your life, and that you can _be yourself_. That’s the shit that matters.” 

“Oh my god, Tracey Martel for president.” Katya quipped, though quickly reinforced that she wholeheartedly concurred. 

“What would your slogan be?” Alaska asked.

“I don’t like to fuck children.” She retorted. “Unlike our current president…”

“Ugh.” Katya visibly shuddered. “Let’s not mention him, else I will not shut up for two hours about how disgraceful that dictatorial piece of shit is.”

“Here here.” Alaska spent the next while leading them in talking about their friends online as well as the ones that didn’t have a social media presence. The more time went on, the more Trixie eased as the conversation didn’t pick at her vulnerabilities or her insecurities regarding Katya. 

However, Alaska then did begin to ask, like she had forewarned, about Katya’s break up. “Anyone who follows you knows that you took a bit of time off a while back because of personal issues. You’ve never really spoken in depth about certain parts of that period, and you shouldn’t have to, of course, but was being a Youtuber and having your relationship watched something that affected how you acted or how it ended?” 

“Absolutely. It’s not like I have a good track record with relationships anyway but, before, I’d only ever dealt with stuff by myself, whereas then I had an audience to think of too. Most people were so lovely but it’s very strange to have to tell your friends and family and hundreds of thousands of strangers, on top of that, at a time when you’re hurting so much you think you’re going to die.”

Trixie had been staring intently at Katya’s forehead, not quite able to look her in the eye, not quite sure if doing either would make Katya feel like she was being spliced open for inspection, consumption. 

Trixie was glad Katya had healed enough to be able to just sit on her hands to stop herself fidgeting instead of completely folding in on herself. Trixie had seen her, too many times for her comfort, hunch her shoulders, dip her head. It wasn’t the Katya that ran through a crowd of adoring fans, waving with flailing arms and blowing kisses. It wasn’t that Katya that stood at the centre of a party, calm and commanding, and attracted Trixie’s attention like there wasn’t a whole host of other, more extreme personalities surrounding her. 

Katya raised her chin, only an inch or so, but it was nonetheless monumental for Trixie to witness, to see her keep her head up. It also picked the lock of Trixie’s innate selfishness, the realisation that Katya had gone through this growth without including Trixie in much of it, if not purposefully excluding her from the process altogether. She squeezed her hand into a fist, felt the dig of her nails into her palm. 

She missed what Alaska asked next but, when Katya opened her mouth to speak, she held her breath, like she knew what would come out of it would determine the swing of the tempestuous emotions broiling inside her. 

“I disappeared because I realised I had become ill. I had lost a lot of weight because I had no appetite because my anxiety was constantly through the roof. I then began to rely on weed to get my appetite back because having the munchies was the only way that food had any sort of appeal to me. That led to me relying on weed to do any sort of basic task like eat, sleep, go outside. If ever I was invited somewhere, I’d either go, stay for a little while and hurry back to my place to smoke, or I’d turn it down in favour of staying home and getting high. It came to a head one day when I realised I hadn’t been out of my apartment for three weeks straight and nobody had messaged me to ask if I was alright because I had specifically curated my situation so that others didn’t even try to get through to me anymore. I reached out to Violet, telling her I was going to get therapy and some help and that I needed her to very quickly and very simply tell people I was ok but I wouldn’t be making content for a while. And, though I pretty much went offline, I was showered in love and support from those even beyond my Youtube, Instagram, blah blah blah reach.”

“That must have been reassuring, at least.” Alaska said. 

Trixie tuned her out, unsure of how to feel. Even though it was in the past now, Katya had intentionally cut her off. It might have been unfair of her to think it, but Trixie couldn’t help wonder if Katya was still doing that to her, just in a different way, and why? Why had she favoured Violet? Was there something about Trixie that prevented Katya from divulging and would, thus, prevent anything deeper than friendship from blossoming between them? 

She shook her head in shame of herself. She knew she was being self-centred, that it was near on cruel of her to think this way when Katya was putting herself out there, vulnerably and bravely, so as to let others know that they “weren’t alone” and should “actively seek someone’s help when you make your life too insular to be healthy”. Katya was speaking out in the hopes of preventing at least one other person from falling into the trap she had and yet all Trixie could concern herself with was where she really stood, what she really was to Katya. 

Trixie managed to fumble through a few more discussions. After an hour or so, Alaska wrapped things up and thanked Trixie and Katya for joining her at the last minute. Trixie played up her joyfulness and told her she had had a great time and was happy to come back every week because the sound of her voice was much more pleasing to the ears than Alaska’s. The three of them bantered a bit more after they finished recording and Alaska waved them both off, her long, spindly fingers accentuated by her ridiculous false nails. 

The door slammed behind them and Trixie was left out in the open with Katya by her side, firing off a text before placing her Ray Bans on the top of her head. Trixie didn’t quite know what to say, instead gripping the straps of her cute little backpack and waiting for Kaya to start walking. 

Katya began nattering on about some stupid viral video that she’d been sent by Fena back home. Trixie felt the anger bubbling beneath the surface of her prickled skin once more but focussed on the steps she was taking, looking at her feet getting her down the street. Katya said she was going to walk back to hers. Trixie merely hummed.

“You ok?”

Trixie huffed a humourless laugh. “Are _you_?” She retorted, though she honestly didn’t mean for it to come out so accusatory. She pictured Katya’s frown but still didn’t raise her head to look at her.

“I’m all good, I thought that I made that clear. Did I say something back there?”

Trixie came to an abrupt stop. She didn’t want to do this. She wanted to walk with Katya and go back to hers and watch videos together and cuddle and makeout and be confident in the knowledge that it all _meant something_ to Katya. Instead, she lashed out. “What didn’t you say, hmm? You’ve kept it all quiet, hush hush, with me but I guess telling Alaska’s fucking audience was more important to you, right?”

When Trixie faced her, finally, she was met with an expression she had never seen on Katya. She expected hurt, the upturn of her brows and the creases on her forehead. She’d intended to strike and sting and upset and it was horrible of her. But it hadn’t worked. 

Katya’s eyes were aflame, her gaze piercing so that Trixie might as well have been physically impaled for the puncture she felt in the centre of her chest splintered it so violently. Breathless, she froze, tracking the prominence of the veins in Katya’s arms where she was straining, the rigidity of her form, strong and tall despite their actual difference in height. Trixie imagined herself shrinking further and further into the ground only for Katya to become giant, stepping over her. 

“Explain what you mean.” Katya ordered, voice steady with unwavering control.

There was no way it was going to end well. Trixie had already dug herself into a hole. The only hope was that she wouldn’t dig deeper. “You never told me the stuff about Violet, or that you didn’t speak to anyone for three weeks. You disappear and I don’t know how to find you, or if you even want me to.”

Seconds dragged by in which they stared at each other, Trixie with no idea how Katya would react and Katya with no indication upon her features that she had even listened to what Trixie had said. 

“Fuck you, Trixie.” Katya spat out, turning abruptly and stomping away from her before Trixie could even register the vitriol that had been directed so squarely at her, like a poison dart. 

She stood uselessly on the sidewalk, her hands heavy at her sides, the glare of the sun taunting the darkening thoughts flitting through her. She forced herself to move, to scurry back to the comfort of her own home with her tail well and truly tucked between her legs. Trixie was bratty and dramatic at the best of times but she understood that it was no exaggeration to consider that she might have well and truly fucked things up with Katya. 

-

Trixie woke to her alarm the next morning and turned it off. She usually hopped out of bed straight away, mind whirring and coming to life with a list of things to do. She rolled over, burying her face into her pillow, and sighed. She couldn’t face anything, not even her own reflection in the mirror when brushing her teeth. Especially that, perhaps. 

After she had arrived home the evening previously, she had sent a flurry of desperate texts to Katya, apologising, checking she was alright and asking if they could talk. It didn’t surprise her when she got no response but it didn’t ease the pain, either. She had paced her living room for god knows how long, checking her phone too often only to see messages and notifications coming in from people that, in that moment, didn’t matter. She had tried ringing Katya but she didn’t pick up, and had ended up collapsing into bed before the sun had even set, stomach empty from not having dinner but simultaneously too heavy, guilt growing inside her like a mutating disease. 

Cowering further under the covers, Trixie opened their text thread and read over their last interaction before she royally screwed up. It was normal, each of them telling the other when they were due to arrive at Alaska’s, and Trixie wished she could have gone back to the time she sent that message to prevent herself from acting so foolishly afterwards. 

For the first time since she could really remember, Trixie shirked all her responsibilities that day. She only got up to pee until, around mid afternoon, the sugary cereal she kept in her cupboard for a treat became irresistible. She sat in her kitchen surrounded by silence. She crunched through an entire box and drank the last dregs of milk straight from her bowl. The bloating of her stomach served as a temporary distraction from the other weight there. 

When staring blankly at her phone screen was starting to become too loathsome as well, Trixie decided to turn it right off. Just as she went to press on the buttons at the side, a text popped up. It wasn’t from Katya but it was just as arresting. She hurriedly entered her code to unlock her phone and read it, and sat ponderously back in her seat.

“I think you might need my help. The offer’s there if you want it.” Violet wrote.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiiii everyone. Thank you for reading and for the lovely feedback on this story so far. I hope you enjoy this update!

Katya pressed share and watched her feed load with her photos. She looked incredible, there was no doubt about it. Instantly, comments and likes flooded in. Some were simple and thirsty, some praised her ability to compose a witty caption, most involved the heart eyes emoji. She should have been excited. If Trixie hadn’t disappointed her so spectacularly the day before, she would have been on cloud nine in that moment, ego inflated beyond what was usually socially acceptable. 

MeUndies had approved her ‘concept’ (it wasn’t much of one - she had asked her friend Andrew to take pictures of her in the batch of red briefs she had been sent to promote, cavorting in a Target shopping trolley, the parking lot they had been in empty and dark and atmospheric behind her) and she was pleased at how effortlessly cool she came across. Fun and goofy but sexy all the same. 

She didn’t feel any of those things, hiding under her sheets, the churning of her stomach unrelenting and nauseating. 

It had taken all her restraint not to pick up when Trixie had called, not to reply to the barrage of apologetic messages. Her stubbornness had a part to play, of course, but she also valued her recovery too much to give in to an interaction that she wasn’t mentally or emotionally prepared enough for. She knew that letting Trixie beg for forgiveness when her hurt was still raw would have only made things worse, in the long run. She might not have accepted it. She didn’t quite know what she would have done, and that wasn’t good for her - she always needed some kind of step by step plan of action. If therapy taught her nothing else, flying by the seat of her pants was only conducive to Youtube, not her wellbeing. 

She had filled Violet in on what had happened and had a short FaceTime call with Fena, more to talk over what she was doing to regulate her emotions rather than the root of the problem itself, but she had otherwise kept to herself to work through her thought processes in her own time. 

She wrote the day off, posting a funny tweet praising MeUndies in her roundabout, comical way, and remained horizontal for the rest of the morning, half thankful for Trixie’s silence, half resentful that she was apparently only worth one night full of pleas and promises before she evidently gave up. 

Katya pictured Trixie at her laptop, back straight and nails tapping away on her keyboard, working at a mile a minute to maintain that composure Katya had always been afraid to break through, no matter how much she had yearned to regardless. Trixie’s selfishness stung her moreso, she realised, not only because they usually understood each other so well, but because Katya had come to accept how much she wanted to unravel Trixie in a completely different way, one that would have brought about joy and affection and intimacy. Now, she felt distant, removed, like she had overestimated Trixie’s empathy and been punished for it.

Rolling onto her back with a loud exhalation, Katya stared up at the ceiling. The t-shirt she had slept in rode up, exposing her stomach, her underwear, the tops of her thighs above where her covers were twisted and wrinkled. She wondered if Trixie was actually in the same position as she was, unable to motivate herself to do anything else other than breathe and try and think clearly. Katya was ok with that, was able to reframe basic acts of survival to mean something more in the times she felt like giving up, but she knew that Trixie wouldn’t be able to bear it. 

Eventually, she got up, showered, got dressed and forced herself to go outside and take a walk, giant iced coffee in hand in an attempt to shake off the grogginess of her distress. 

It was hot and she soon got sweaty. She didn’t have a destination in mind, wandering from street to street until she hit Santa Monica Boulevard, passing Micky’s and ending up outside of The Abbey. Only then did she realise it was Violet’s big lesbian brunch the following afternoon and Trixie would be there, as would every other lesbian under the sun who was in demand in their community, and she tried not to panic. She tentatively wondered what it would be like to acclimatise to the hulking, dire novelty of dread at the thought of seeing Trixie instead of her usual excitement and adrenaline rush. 

Deep down, she knew that they just needed to talk it out, that Katya had to tell her why what she had said made her so angry. And she was at the point in her life where she could, indeed, handle the toll it would take to have such a conversation. She was not, however, good at pushing herself nor was she inclined to be the first person to give in. 

It might have been a little idiotic but she made a deal with herself that if, by the time she got home again, Trixie hadn’t messaged her or tried to call, she would bite the bullet and be the one to do it. 

She always kept her phone on silent. It was in her pocket, unchecked. She paused before she made her u-turn, glancing at her notifications. There were messages from Fena asking how she was but none from Trixie so she put it away (out of sight, out of mind - that was the intention, at least) and started walking back, resolving not to get it out until she had turned onto her street.

Her journey didn’t seem to take long, even though she had been out of the house for well over an hour. As her building peeped at her in the distance, a not so subtle reminder that she needed to uphold her own bargain, she took hold of her phone and looked at her screen. Trixie’s name was there, as sure as any of her other notifications were. It surprised her.

She made herself wait until she was safely sat on her sofa to read the text. 

“I really am sorry, Katya. I shouldn’t have detracted from your moment with my feelings and stupid insecurities. You don’t owe me anything and I truly apologise if I ruined the whole podcast for you because of my behaviour afterwards. Please can we talk? Can I come over tonight and make dinner? At least that saves you having to get postmates, right??? Let me know.”

Katya huffed a laugh, despite how she had been feeling earlier. “Of course.” She responded. “Just don’t dare try and feed me lasagna like that time after we went to the YT space last year.”

“I would never! I know you.” Trixie replied instantly, like she’d been staring at her phone ever since she sent her message. Katya considered that too much wishful thinking but it satisfied her nevertheless and she smiled, pulling the messages to the side to see the timestamps for certain. 

Katya took a deep breath. “You do.” She didn’t need to say anything more. 

Trixie told her she would be there at seven, which gave Katya the time and the motivation to respond to some comments on Instagram and check her stats. MeUndies had commented on her post and the woman she had been corresponding with about the deal had also sent a quick email thanking her for being so wonderful and telling her how much the team were looking forward to continuing working with her. 

She updated Violet and Fena and rolled her eyes when Violet hinted at having got herself involved. Katya trusted her not to have divulged anything Katya might have told her in confidence in the past, especially as Violet loved to concern herself with what was happening in the here and now above anything else, but she vowed to playfully smack her on the arm at brunch as a form of reparation anyway. And to also ask her just what the fuck she had said. 

She supposed she was due to get the details from Trixie, too, and she let another smile bloom across her face, safe in the knowledge that they would be alright, that whatever had erupted between them had also settled, cooled like lava. Katya was still pissed at her, of course, but it no longer felt detrimental.

When Trixie rang her buzzer bang on seven, Katya had spruced up a little. She had brushed her hair and put dry shampoo on her greasy roots, applied mascara and spritzed some perfume on her pulse points. She didn’t bother tidying her apartment as she didn’t make that much of a mess whether she was up and about or not. Trixie had seen it in far worse of a state before, anyway. 

Once she let Trixie in, Katya took the carrier bag of ingredients from her straight away and placed them on her kitchen counter, greeting her with a gentle “hey” with her back turned for protection. Taking in that first glimpse of her set Katya’s heart racing, the lurch from one emotion to the other during the past twenty four hours like a wild ride she never signed up for. When she faced Trixie again, she recognised her apprehension, the way she kept looking away, kept fiddling at her sides. Seeing her like that soothed Katya because it was all so wrong. They didn’t make each other anything but wholly comfortable. They didn’t fight. 

“You’re a selfish idiot, Trixie Mattel, but so am I. Just in a different way.” Katya watched Trixie cock her head to the side, visibly uncertain as to whether she should smile or not. Katya opened her arms wide, beckoning her over for a hug.

Trixie let out a soft gasp as if she was surprised at Katya’s offering. She bounded over to her nonetheless and Katya wrapped her arms tightly around Trixie’s shoulders, coaxing her to relax into her like she normally did, to understand that, through that embrace alone, she was easing up, becoming receptive to all of Trixie’s flaws amongst her countless wonders, too. 

“We’re both terrible, gross, _disgusting_ excuses for human beings,” Trixie mumbled, “That’s what makes us so great tog— I mean, y’know.”

“I know.” Katya pulled away first to check on Trixie, to move a stray tendril of hair away from her face. “To quote the great Mamrie Hart: you deserve a drink. What do you fancy?”

Trixie laughed and the harsh, squawking sound of it filled Katya’s kitchen, echoed off her bland walls and rang out until the thud of her own heartbeat drowned it. It was a rush, to hear her like that again, to know they had both started to bridge the momentary gap that had come between them. For all Katya had retreated before, she was starting to see how she could always meet Trixie halfway. 

Trixie insisted they crack open the vodka that Katya had only really used when she’d filmed a video trying out viral cocktail recipes from Tik Tok (and got completely grossed out on camera, much to the pleasure of all her subscribers), remarking how, if they were going to have a proper conversation, then she needed a little dutch courage. “Or should that be Russian courage? Where even is this vodka from?”

“The liquor store on Melrose.” Katya quipped and Trixie full on screamed. 

Katya made them both screwdrivers, knowing Trixie liked hers a lot stronger than she herself did. They settled down on Katya’s couch and Katya watched as Trixie practically downed her drink in one go, the bang of the glass on Katya’s coffee table much louder than either of them had anticipated if Trixie’s flinch was anything to go by. 

“I really am sorry, Katya. You did such a brave thing and then I made it about myself.”

Katya took a few sips before settling her glass down a lot more gently than Trixie had. She shifted, sitting cross legged so she could angle herself completely towards Trixie. “All I was looking for was a ‘well done’ or an acknowledgement that it must have been difficult to disclose what I had on such a public scale, and then when it seemed like you were attacking me for it, it made me question just how you saw me. That was more a knee jerk reaction but...yeah, it sucked.”

Trixie nodded solemnly, tucking her chin into her chest. She scratched at her arm, staring at where her nails dug into her skin. “I just...it made me feel inadequate or something, to know you were alright with talking about it all on Alaska’s podcast way more than you ever had with me. Like, what about me makes you think I’m not trustworthy enough and, I dunno, like, why did you confide in Violet and not me?” Just as Katya opened her mouth, Trixie interrupted to continue. “I don’t mean that, like, I’m just thinking about myself. It’s more like...what have I failed to do to make you not trust me as much as her?”

Katya became aware of the scrunch of her forehead, of how her eyebrows strained to reach in the middle as her skin wrinkled from the physical manifestations of her mental exertion. She hadn’t realised how it might have come across to Trixie. Trixie was her favourite person in the entire world but Katya wasn’t good at the serious stuff. The longer some things went unspoken between them, the harder it was to breach anything to do with relationships. And, in all honesty, when she had told Violet what was happening and to pass on a message to her subscribers, it had only been out of purely practical necessity.

“I asked that favour of Violet because I knew she would say what I wanted quickly, simply and without any added emotion to it. You know what she’s like - straight to the point. That’s what I needed. It’s not because I don’t trust you. It was simply a professional decision. You’re way more to me than that.”

Trixie sighed. “I see that but I’m not just talking about— she texted me, y’know? Offered her help.” 

“Yeah, she said.”

Trixie visibly bristled. “So you two were talking all this time while you were giving me the silent treatment?”

“Saying shit like that isn’t going to do you any favours right now.” Katya stated. She swiped Trixie’s glass, stood and went to refill it, giving herself a moment to breathe, to push down the spike of rage that was rising up to her throat.

Placing Trixie’s drink in her awaiting hand, Katya noted the small upturn of one side of her mouth and her sheepishness.

“Yes, I told Violet what had happened and I hope that you listened to whatever the fuck she said to you. I don’t understand why you’re being such a brat.”

“I wouldn’t be me if I wasn’t throwing a bit of a strop now, would I?” Trixie fired back and Katya couldn’t help but show her amusement. “I just...I want to be someone you rely on. I want to be there for you and help you and know you, every part of you. Because I care.”

“It’s not easy for me…” Katya began but ran out of steam before she could elaborate. She was suddenly very, very tired. 

“Then let me help you.” Trixie reached out, took a hold of Katya’s wrist like Katya was prone to do whenever she was in a fit of hysterics over something Trixie had said. “I know Violet knows you and understands what you’ve been through but she doesn’t need to be your only outlet. I’ll do whatever you want of me.”

At any other time, Katya would have made a dirty remark. She didn’t want to ruin the calm, the gentleness, that had smoothed out their disorder, however. She placed her palm over Trixie’s hand, squeezing it once, tight. 

“I’ll try.” Katya couldn’t promise more but Trixie seemed appeased regardless, like she was enough. “What did Violet say to you?”

“Nothing groundbreaking. Just that it was important for your mental state to be guarded and to take regular breaks from situations that could trigger anxiety in you. And that everything that had happened made you less open and vulnerable but, well, she said you were starting to want all that again and that I shouldn’t think of myself as less to you because of her.” Trixie took a deep breath. “She said that she wouldn’t ever mean as much to you as I do, and I didn’t believe her in the moment, but I want to.” 

Katya turned Trixie’s hand over so she could slot their fingers side by side. 

“You’re my number one, ride or die.” Katya admitted. “Even if it doesn’t seem that way sometimes.” There was too much air in her mouth. It felt strange to talk like that. 

Trixie remained silent, like she was letting Katya’s words properly lodge in her mind and take root in the darkest corners where doubts would fester and expand. 

They finished their drinks and Trixie made them both another, swallowing down half of hers in three desperate gulps. Katya rubbed up and down Trixie’s arm in long, slow movements, encouraging whatever was about to come next.

“Where do you go, when you disappear?” Trixie asked. 

Katya thought how best to answer. It wasn’t a difficult question but it wasn’t necessarily easy to explain either. “Nowhere. Usually. I just...it’s like burrowing, I guess. I hide away, restore my energy and correct my pattern of thinking. And then I pop up, ready to face the world again.” She shrugged and tried not to fidget as if doing so would paint her insincere. 

“So you don’t— I mean, there’s no one— like, when Violet says you—?”

Katya snorted out an unbecoming laugh, slapping her own thigh from witnessing Trixie be so tongue tied. “Spit it out, Mary!” She exclaimed, further delighted by the colour spreading across Trixie’s cheeks and the way she then hid her face with her hands.

Trixie still wouldn’t uncover herself when she asked if there was any truth to what Violet told people, that Katya went off the grid to fuck her way through California’s hottest lesbians. 

“Oh my god, no!” She practically shrieked. “You should know better by now than to believe the shit Violet spreads to ruffle a few feathers.”

Trixie raised her head, mouth agape and eyes wide and innocent. “But she tells everyone _off camera_ , too.”

Katya ran her hand down Trixie’s arm one final time before gripping her hand tightly as if doing so would make her believe everything she had said to her that evening, sheer will prevailing reality. “Trixie, it’s just a cover. I didn’t feel comfortable telling everyone I’ve been to therapy and that I’ve had to learn to enforce such, uh, uh, strict boundaries in order to maintain my recovery and my health.”

There was a drawn out length of silence between them where Trixie merely stared at her like a deer caught in the headlights. She should probably have felt some kind of guilt for deceiving Trixie for so long, or at least not filling her in on the joke. It was just plain awkward, however, and she felt a sweet kind of pride for herself, instead, for sticking so rigidly to her promises and building herself back up from rock bottom. 

“I’m an idiot.” Trixie exhaled, shoulders slumped. She held Katya’s hand firmly anyway. 

“That’s not true, not with regards to all this, anyway.” She reassured, flapping her free hand about. “I’m good at hiding things. You’re not stupid for not seeing through it.”

Trixie nodded, still too solemn for Katya’s liking but she couldn’t blame her. Throwing caution to the wind, Katya tugged on her hand and brought it over her shoulder, wrapping her arms around Trixie’s back and enclosing her in a tight hug. It wasn’t the comfiest they’d shared but it seemed the most necessary. Katya smiled against Trixie’s hair, breathed her scent in and sank further into her, let her body rest alongside Trixie’s. She softly stroked her fingers down Trixie’s back, following her spine then venturing from one side to the other and repeating her caresses when Trixie relaxed even further. 

“Are we ok?” Trixie whispered into Katya’s neck.

“Of course. More than.” Katya swallowed the lump in her throat, blinked once, twice, and steadied her breath. 

It was late by the time they finished talking. Trixie had consumed a couple more drinks and Katya determined that it was best she stay with her for the night, go home in the morning to get ready then meet her again outside of The Abbey for Violet’s brunch. Trixie protested at first but soon relented when Katya fished out a giant t-shirt, procured a fluffy, beige blanket and told her, yes, she had proper makeup remover. “I’m not a complete animal.”

“Not since I began giving you my spare products, no.” Trixie replied, the teasing smirk Katya could never tire of returning, strong and sure.

Katya’s place only had one bedroom and she used part of it (and part of her living room, depending on the project) to film. She still had her tripod and backdrops and props set up in her bedroom that night so she suggested Trixie go to the bathroom whilst she got the sofa ready for Trixie to sleep on. She placed a couple of spare pillows at one end and lay a sheet down underneath the blanket. She filled a glass of water and put it on the coffee table and waited for Trixie to come back, shifting from one foot to the other and holding on to her elbows, arms crossing in front of her torso. 

When Trixie emerged, she was pink in the face and her eyes were small without all the liner and shadows surrounding them, struggling to stay open. 

“Get a good night’s rest, ok?” Katya said as Trixie inspected Katya’s arrangement and sat down approvingly. 

“I will. I feel a lot better and I hope you do too.”

Katya smiled. “I do.”

“Good night.” Trixie murmured after Katya had checked her over.

“Sleep well.”

Katya grabbed and pocketed her phone, turned off the lights and started walking to her room. She got to the doorway and paused, the pull of Trixie being _right there_ and having been so insecure and worried about her making it near on impossible to keep going. But she did. 

She eased into bed and decidedly did not look over at the empty space at her side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like Youtubers drink way too much iced coffee, hence why I mention it so much in this fic. But I am also missing all my fave cafes, so I have it on the brain!


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Helloooo, lovely people. Here's The Big Lesbian Brunch and Trixie being an idiot yet again, ft. some of our S12 girls! 
> 
> I hope you enjoy this :) Thank you for reading, I really appreciate it.

Trixie woke with a crick in her neck to the blinding sunshine coming in through a gap in Katya’s black and white, zig zag patterned curtains. She blinked a few times and stretched, her toes grazing the arm of Katya’s sofa. Her shoulders ached and her mind was cloudy from stirring naturally instead of to the sound of her alarm like usual, but she had slept well - solidly and deeply. She hadn’t dreamt. She hadn’t thought of much beyond the satisfaction of having clambered at some kind of reconciliation with Katya. The taunt of her being a couple of rooms away in chaotic slumber with her limbs askew was not even strong enough to distract Trixie from her sluggishness. Much.

She sat, taking her time to come round, and looked for her phone. It was placed next to the water on the coffee table. She took a few sips as she sifted through messages, landing on one from Violet hoping that everything between her and Katya would be back to normal soon. 

“Thank you, I think we cleared everything up last night. See you later :)” She typed and sent. Her use of the smiley felt like an olive branch on her part. The more Katya had explained, the more it became apparent to Trixie that she had been holding on to unfounded resentments towards Violet and had been channeling her own insecurities unfairly. Violet was a good friend to Katya - nothing more - and to kick up a fuss about her only reinforced Katya’s right to be annoyed. 

There had been so many points during their conversation when Trixie had had to hold herself back, both from making a scathing remark (and she indeed had failed once, in that regard) and from pouring her stupid little heart out. She didn’t know whether to be relieved or insulted that Katya hadn’t seemed to grasp just how deeply Trixie meant it when she said she cared about her. Then again, she was undoubtedly not in the right mindset to be thinking along those lines, even if she did, against all odds, feel the same way as Trixie. That wasn’t the issue at hand.

Trixie rubbed at her face and sniffed, listening out for any signs of movement from Katya. It was still relatively early so she was likely to remain comatose for a while longer. Trixie took it upon herself to get up, tiptoe to the bathroom and then make iced coffee for the both of them, leaving Katya’s to chill in the fridge. She huffed a laugh to herself at Katya’s bare shelves, a random clove of garlic, several bottles of juices and a giant carton of oat milk the only items in her possession. 

When Katya eventually surfaced, bright eyed and hair wild, in the t-shirt she had been wearing the night before and her plain black briefs, Trixie had to force herself to avert her eyes. 

They watched Crystal’s latest video, her own weird and wonderful way of announcing her new merch, featuring her dressed up in a light blue vintage prom suit complete with ruffled shirt, supposedly advertising ‘The Magic Mullet’, a hair piece that made you stronger, gayer and more fabulous. It was actually the concept for the design of her t-shirts but the quirky segue worked. Katya spent the majority of the video filming it for her Insta stories, cackling uncontrollably at the shot of Crystal hammering a wig on a long, wooden table, which she posted with adoring gifs and a comment about how much she loved her. 

Katya was visibly excited to meet Crystal and the other newer Youtubers and she rambled on about what she admired about them as she let Trixie order postmates for breakfast. “Jackie fucking Cox wears her heritage on her sleeve and I feel like I’ve learned so much from her, like, it’s made me realise how much I don’t know about Persian culture and, though I was all too aware of the oppression and horror LGBT people face in the Middle East, she’s opened my eyes to those who are _campaigning_ and being so fucking brave, telling and living their truth, y’know?”

Trixie readily agreed and, as they waited for their food, they huddled together close on Katya’s sofa to trawl through all of their Instagrams and Twitters, gushing over Jaida’s sheer perfection, Nicky’s poise and sense of style and Gigi’s ability to come across as this polished, fashion obsessed bitch whilst actually being funny, silly and sardonic to boot. Then there was Jan, perhaps the only one Trixie thought was so similar to herself - driven, committed to posting regularly and eager to exhibit her many, _many_ skills. 

Once they’d eaten, Trixie made her way back home, thinking about how closely Katya had held her when they hugged goodbye, how the feel of her sweaty back beneath her palms should have grossed her out but did quite the opposite. 

She showered and got dressed and applied more extravagant makeup than normal, placing cute iridescent glitters around her eyes with primer to make it stick and long lasting. She wanted to make a good impression with the newer girls but her main motivation was to try and render Katya speechless, to perhaps make her look at her differently, to go over and above in her appearance and her general vibrancy so Katya could see how she wasn’t a let down. She was remarkable, despite her faults. 

It was hot out again, not a cloud in the sky, so she selected a pink, low cut body which showed off her deep cleavage and was thin enough that, when it got a little colder, the small bumps of her nipples were visible through the material. She shimmied on her shortest white denim skirt, accessorizing with white geometric earrings and large, diamante adorned sunglasses, and got her vlogging camera ready to go, packing her bag with everything she might possibly need. 

Her ride to The Abbey was short. She texted Katya telling her she was on her way and let out an oversized sigh of relief when she got a response almost immediately. As her Uber pulled up, Trixie caught sight of Katya standing on the sidewalk with a cigarette. She looked so fucking effortlessly cool in heeled boots, black skinny jeans and an asymmetrical black vest. The longer right side of it billowed in the gentle breeze. Trixie noticed she wasn’t wearing a bra, her sideboob out for all to see, and she almost missed her driver wishing her a nice afternoon. 

Trixie had to remember that, although it was a social event, she was supposed to be vlogging it. As she stepped out of the car, she took out her camera and began recording, having got Katya’s attention. She zoomed in on Katya blowing smoke out of the side of her mouth then pulling a funny face at her, embodying a haggard witch, and she exclaimed, “Look what I found on the street!” 

She didn’t film them hugging. That felt too personal, their reconciliation still fresh and delicate like spun silk. She didn’t want anyone else, much less her audience, to see something that she wasn’t prepared to face. Because there was no doubt, as she nosed into Katya’s hair and resolutely ignored the lingering smell of smoke nestled there, that if she were to be lifted out of her body to look down upon herself, her deepest desires, the feelings she had only ever fostered then immediately pushed to the very pit of her stomach, would be as evident as the sun and the earth and the atmosphere cradling them in that moment of pause.

“Is Violet already inside?” She asked, to detract from her own spiralling thoughts. 

Katya merely shrugged, saying that she assumed so, and led Trixie to the entrance where she gave Violet’s name to the server. It took all of Trixie’s restraint not to reach out and hold her hand, both because that’s all she ever wanted to be able to do in Katya’s presence and because, truthfully, she was nervous. Real fucking nervous. 

They were brought to the outside area where there were large black umbrellas over long wooden tables, fairy lights yet to be lit in the blazing afternoon, and the unmistakable cackle of Violet, surrounded by her harem of lesbians. The sheer chaos of their screamed greetings should have been embarrassing were it not for the noise of other patrons soaking some of it up. 

Trixie filmed Katya running over to Violet, pulling her into a quick hug before she moved on to Pearl, Courtney, Willam, Alaska and Adore. She then panned to the other end of the table, a few empty seats separating them from the newer girls. Trixie smiled to herself as she saw Crystal grip Gigi’s arm, clearly internally fangirling over Katya being a mere few feet away from her, and wondered whether Gigi stroking her hair under the guise of calming her down was performative for the camera or an actual habit she had picked up. Trixie also wasn’t sure whether to applaud them for so successfully playing up to their audiences shipping them so hard or to question just what their true intentions were. 

There was a subtle kind of safety that came from keeping herself behind her camera in those first few minutes. Of course, she put it away to be properly introduced, Katya coaxing her into the throes of it all with her hand on the small of her back, and she was able to ease back into her usual self, abrasive and confident, especially when Kim and Naomi turned up. Trixie squinted at where they leaned against each other, at the private smiles they shared when they thought everyone else was preoccupied with greetings. Trixie caught it, however, that simultaneously monumental and minute, natural shift. She vowed to pull them aside later and get the full story.

It took far too long for everyone to configure their seating arrangements and there were so many of them that Trixie worried she wouldn’t be able to record everything to her liking, nor would she be able to film people equally. At the head of the table was Alaska, Willam and Courtney each side of her with Adore next to Courtney and Violet and Pearl opposite them. Trixie and Katya were next, facing each other and, though she would have relished in the press of their thighs beneath the table, Trixie also appreciated having Katya in her direct line of sight, capturing her laughter, the way she slapped the table when Violet and Pearl bickered over what drinks to order. 

“That tastes like utter piss, I’m not having that.” Violet protested, pointing to some kind of sparkling wine on the menu.

Pearl rolled her eyes and drawled, “And how would you know what piss tastes like? Trixie’s the one with the—”

“I swear if you don’t stop talking I will shove this entire umbrella right up your ass.” Trixie cut in, pointing above them, voice shrill and desperate.

The whole place seemed to erupt with laughter. She decidedly did not look Katya’s way until the conversation had properly moved on.

Naomi and Kim were huddled up together beside Trixie, giggling and filming each other for their Instagram stories. Trixie annoyingly waved her hand in front of Kim’s phone and butted into their conversation whilst Katya rested on her elbow, body turned to face Crystal and Gigi, who were showering her in compliments. Beyond them were Jan and Jackie and, finally, Jaida and Nicky, who Trixie couldn’t see as they were on the same side of the table as her. 

Despite the intimidatingly loud volume of them all, Trixie supposed The Abbey were just plain grateful to be receiving so much income. Every single one of them decided on at least two drinks to start before they even thought about food. She stood when it all arrived and filmed up and down the table, zooming in on a particularly colourful cocktail, on Katya taking her first sip, her red lips leaving no print on the rim of her glass. 

She made sure to properly catch up with Kim and Naomi before she even thought about asking them what had developed between them, so she occupied herself by listening to Naomi explain her new sponsorship video due to go live in the coming few days, and to Kim, celebrating that she had finally completed the project she had been working on with a popular makeup brand and was pleased with how it had turned out in the end, despite the struggles she had experienced. 

Out of the corner of her eye, Trixie repeatedly glanced at Katya, to where she was throwing her head back in amusement at something Crystal had said, at how the two of them seemed to be getting on like a house on fire. They were both getting progressively more high pitched and the squeaky noises Crystal made, that Trixie had always found endearing, were now starting to grate on her. Just a little. 

She kept checking on Gigi, who was blissfully unaware, engrossed in listening to the other girls debate about politics, and pondered if their relationship really was all just surface level, if she was truly unaffected by Katya and Crystal getting closer and closer until Katya rested her hands on Crystal’s shoulders as they practically screamed in each other’s faces about some weird ass movie Trixie had never heard of. 

“Hey, earth to Trixie.” Kim’s lisped voice barged into her train of thoughts, pummelled over her. “I _said_ , what did you think of Katya’s MeUndies photos?” 

Trixie coughed and repositioned herself in her chair, looking directly into Kim’s eyes as if doing so would convince her that she wasn’t suffering under a barrage of insecurities, wasn’t consumed by the way Katya was evidently engrossed by one of Crystal’s rambles. “Great, yeah, she got that whole candid thing down.” 

Katya must have tuned in to their conversation at the mention of her name. “I felt like an idiot in just my pants in that fucking car park.” 

“You’re always an idiot, there’s nothing new there.” Trixie retorted with a grin. 

“I loved the one where you were upside down in the trolley and your legs were kicking up in the air.” Crystal added. “I once fell in a bin like that but I was thankfully wearing trousers.”

Another couple of drinks in, Trixie was starting to loosen up. She recorded herself and Pearl cuddling up together and chatting shit about Violet, making up increasingly bizarre ‘fun facts’ about her (“I once slipped because her lubey ass had leaked all over the bathroom floor.” Pearl finished them off with, and Trixie managed to capture Violet tilting her chin up to the heavens to let out the biggest guffaw she had ever seen from her). Trixie asked how Pearl and Crystal met and smiled at the image of Pearl travelling all the way to fucking Missouri for their first collab with her bag heavy, full of makeup.

“Guys, we need to order food!” Adore called out, Courtney loudly agreeing and asking if everyone had decided what they were having. 

It took a while longer before they actually did let their waitress know what they wanted and there were multiple confusions over how many of each dish would be enough to feed all sixteen of them. Trixie filmed Willam making a scene over Alaska’s insistence that the veggie breakfast was overrated and zoomed in on Adore’s wide eyed expression - the perfect reaction to their playful fighting. 

When she turned back to Katya, she let out a secret sigh of relief - she was no longer talking to Crystal, who was flicking her mullet behind her as someone further down the table filmed her, yelling, “Yasss! Work it, girl! El Debarge who?”

Trixie didn’t know what they were referring to but she paid it no mind, now free to have Katya’s attention on her and her alone.

“You look tipsy.” She laughed softly at her. “You’ve only had a few.”

“Shut up, you know I’m a lightweight.” Trixie smiled wider as Katya patted her reddening face and dabbed the sweat above her top lip carefully with her napkin. 

“No more then, eh, else it’ll be _me_ tucking _you_ into bed tonight.” 

She only realised how that might have come across when she felt Naomi and Kim’s eyes on her. Courtney must have heard her too, jokingly (she hoped) chastising them for not alerting her to “these new perks” in their relationship. 

Katya deftly steered the conversation away, relieving Trixie of the responsibility of potentially having to make something up as to why she stayed over, their blip not something she wanted anyone else to know about. She was already putting a lot of trust in Violet not to say anything and was extremely grateful that, so far, she hadn’t even so much as alluded to it. 

When their food arrived, she made Katya try some of hers and finished off what Katya left on her plate. “Waste not, want not.” She quoted an old saying her grandma used back when Trixie lived with her and couldn’t face - never mind eat - some of her questionable cooking. Katya asked her for more stories from that time in her life and, though there were a lot of horrible ones, there were many memories of her living her backwoods life to what she thought was the fullest. If only her younger self could see her now, she thought, as Katya reached across the table to grab onto whatever part of her she could. She got hold of her index finger and pulled on it as she laughed. Such a simple act shouldn’t have filled Trixie with as much warmth as it did. 

Trixie eventually got a private moment with Kim and Naomi when Willam announced she was going to the smoking area and that if anyone else wanted to kill themselves slowly but surely with their nicotine addiction, they were free to join her. Katya hopped up, lighter and pack of cigarettes in hand, as did Crystal. Trixie tried her best not to clench her jaw when Katya beckoned her along, leaving Trixie forgotten about.

“So,” She said, instead of ruminating any further, “I feel like you two are hiding something.” 

She soon weaseled it out of them. Kim had gone over to Naomi’s a few nights previously and they had finally talked it out, deciding that it was better to take the risk than be perpetually stuck in a weird, uncomfortable in between, more than friends but never properly crossing the boundary into something more.

“Regardless of what happens, I know she won’t ever hurt me and that she’ll always be my best friend.” Naomi stated, proud and beaming, her white teeth dazzling and almost as arresting as the general glow upon her face that her newfound happiness had seemed to bring. 

“Gay.” Kim intoned but her mouth upturned nonetheless, betraying her. 

“I can’t tell you how happy I am for you two. It’s been torture watching you these past few months and there were so many times I just wanted to bash your heads together and make you see sense, but it’s never been my place and it makes it all the sweeter that you figured it out together.” 

“Believe me, we feel you.” Naomi said, sharing a look with Kim. 

Trixie refused to consider if such a comment was directed at her somehow. She asked if they were going to go public and Kim told her they wanted to enjoy the chance to go on dates and learn what it meant to really be with each other before they got their audiences involved.

“That’s sensible.” Trixie nodded, handing her empty plate to their waitress with thanks, then Katya’s too. 

Whilst some of the group were gone, everyone changed seats to sit beside someone they hadn’t gotten to talk to previously. Trixie was pleased that Jan and Nicky came to her, eager and smiley and talking over each other in their excitement. Trixie bonded with Jan over their shared interest in music and was welcome to hear Jan’s advice with regards to vocal techniques. Nicky’s dry sense of humour and flat delivery of it was a pleasant surprise as it often seemed like she didn’t have a personality as striking as her looks. She was the living proof of ‘don’t judge a book by its cover’ and Trixie was content being amongst her and Jan, determinedly not thinking about Katya and Crystal being all chummy in the smoking area. 

Gigi was having a serious tête-à-tête about fashion with Violet and Nicky soon got dragged into it to offer her perspective as a French native. The original chaos had simmered down slightly and Trixie managed to have a nice, calm conversation with Jaida about being from Wisconsin, which was refreshing, to know someone from her home state following a similar path to her own. 

When the others returned, Trixie held her breath. At first, Katya and Crystal didn’t appear - they walked, arm in arm and laughing raucously, at the back of the group, Willam and her foghorn voice leading them all, weaving her way back to her seat with a whip of her blonde hair. The rest were all in hysterics over something but Trixie couldn’t care less. All she could see were the places where Katya and Crystal touched, all she could hear were their shrieks. She was being a total idiot, Trixie knew, but she couldn’t help it. Katya had that effect on her and recently it had become harder and harder to contain. 

Katya dropped heavily back down into her chair. Trixie’s turbulent emotions must have been plastered all across her face - Katya stared at her, first with confusion, then with the same quiet anger that she had directed at her after Alaska’s podcast. 

_Shit._

“I’m going to go to the ladies room. Are you coming?” Katya commanded way more than she asked.

All Trixie could do was nod and hurry to catch her up. And it hurt, that Katya didn’t realise just how far Trixie would go for her, how she would follow her anywhere.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Violet and Pearl are IT. Thanks for coming to my TEDtalk.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, lovely readers. Here's another instalment of these idiots fumbling about and maybe figuring at least some things out. Maybe...
> 
> Thank you so much to those of you who leave comments here or reblog my posts on tumblr with your thoughts in the tags. It means a lot and I will never tire of reading them. I hope you enjoy this chapter!

She didn’t know why she suggested the fucking toilets. They were packed, just like the rest of the place, and the awkward wait in the queue did nothing to quell the undercurrent of displeasure dragging her down, swirling at her feet. 

Trixie at least had the sense to keep quiet behind her, head bowed. 

Katya hadn’t a clue what had gotten into Trixie recently. She, perhaps naively, thought everything would have been alright again after the debacle of Alaska’s podcast but when she had come back from smoking with Willam and the others, she had seen that same selfish anger practically emanate from her. This wasn’t them. They laughed, they were silly and usually only ever brought each other untampered, unfiltered joy. What had changed? 

Whatever it was, Katya had two choices with how to deal with it. Retreat or meet it head on. And despite the churning in her stomach and the extra jitteriness and the way her palms were so clammy with sweat that she thought she wouldn’t be able to grip on to the door handle of the toilet cubicle she pushed Trixie into before following her in, she was determined to get a proper hold of the situation. 

The space was cramped and it wasn’t exactly the nicest environment for the both of them. She hadn’t taken notice if any of the other women waiting had judged them for sharing and she would have worried that they would have thought they were in there to do drugs were she not completely occupied by the way Trixie was staring at her, mouth agape, chest rising and falling like a turbulent wave. By how their stomachs touched. By the air thickening and closing in on them as if pushing them together, pushing them to confront. 

Were it not for their close proximity, she might have missed how Trixie was straining, like she was stopping herself from crying. Katya, scanning Trixie’s face, her eyes seeming small and unseen beneath her lashes, began to consider how Trixie’s apparent stroppiness might actually have been her way of dealing with sadness. For all they were good at playing off of each other, this was a new experience for her. She wasn’t used to having to analyse Trixie’s emotional outbursts like this and it gnawed at her, the thought that she might be - somehow and unknowingly - upsetting Trixie. 

Although she initially had the intention to hash it out with Trixie, watching her forehead crease and her whole body tense softened her, smoothed out her bristles. 

“What’s going on, Trixie?” She asked, voice gentle, as she reached out and took Trixie’s hands in hers. She was scared that Trixie would pull back but when she didn’t, when she returned the small squeezes Katya gave her, she shifted so Trixie’s back was pressed against the door and stepped forward, right into her space. 

“I...I was jealous of Crystal.”

It didn’t surprise Katya. She had seen how Trixie looked at her when they had been talking, how she had blanked Kim and Naomi because she had been too busy trying to listen in on what Crystal was saying to her. But Katya had brushed it off, not letting herself process it too much.

“What’s there to be jealous of?” It was becoming more and more apparent to Katya that Trixie fostered a lot more insecurities than she ever dared let on about. She didn’t want to come across as accusatory, but she also needed Trixie to understand how silly she was being, whatever the root of her envy was.

Trixie sighed, shook her head, kept it hung low. Katya prompted her, told her she wouldn’t leave it be until they had aired all their grievances. She didn’t care that there was a huge line of women waiting and that they were taking up a whole cubicle for a conversation they could have had anywhere else. In that moment, Katya didn’t think they could talk in the open air. They needed to be shut off from everything in order to find release. 

“It…” Trixie took a deep breath. “It all comes back to that stupid feeling I have that I’m not important enough to you, that I’m inferior or not as understanding or something, like Crystal or Violet might be, and I’ll...I’ll lose you to somebody better.” 

Katya willed her to look up, to meet her gaze so she could get a better read on her. Katya was struggling. She didn’t know how to convince Trixie that she was important to her without giving away just how much. Even if she was brave enough to tell her, now wasn’t the time - such an admission would have only come across as a ploy to keep her satisfied, surely, or would have unleashed a whole other explosion of catastrophic drama. Either way, it wasn’t wise.

“What can I do to help this? I can tell you until I’m blue in the face that you’re not replaceable and I will, if that’s what it takes.”

“Blue isn’t your colour.” Trixie quipped, a small smile gracing her features. Katya savoured it, rubbing her thumbs over Trixie’s knuckles to let her know she appreciated the hint of normality coming back to their conversation. “It’s not just you. I need to work on whatever shit is really bothering me. Could I ask something of you, though?”

Katya nodded repeatedly. “Of course.”

“I think I need— could you, maybe— I know you’re not sentimental but, it would help if you just dropped me a text sometime telling me you want to talk or that you miss me, or if we’re together just...remind me that I’m needed, that I’m your…” She trailed off. Katya waited for her to finish her sentence but she never did. 

“Ok.” Katya agreed to Trixie’s terms. When she spelled it out like that, it made Katya realise that perhaps, in all that she was thinking about herself and keeping steady and stable, she was neglecting Trixie to the point where it was destabilising their relationship. “I can do that. For sure. I can even give you more hugs?”

Trixie huffed a laugh and sniffed. For what felt like the first time in too long, Trixie looked at her, really looked at her, and told her how much she appreciated that, that she would like one right then, if Katya was amenable. Katya told her to stop being silly and wrapped her arms around her shoulders, relishing in the solidity of her, in the way that Trixie clung and clutched at her back. 

“I’m...sorry. For not...y’know.” Katya choked out. Apologies didn’t come naturally to her. She thought Trixie should have realised how fucking special she was to have gotten one, but of course nothing was that simple, that spelled out.

They stood in their embrace for longer than Katya had expected. She had melted into Trixie’s body and Trixie showed no signs of easing her grasp. Katya didn’t mind, she just feared that Trixie would somehow be able to tell that this kind of touch was all she ever thought about in the middle of the night when the darkness of her empty apartment surrounded her and permeated her resolve - that just hugging could send her spiralling into a fiery pit of desire and yearning and _loving_.

She pondered whether it would make it all better or worse, to start indulging in the kind of affections she hadn’t done much of before. 

Once they eventually parted, Katya led Trixie out, not even bothering with the pretense of washing their hands. Other people stared and whispered to their friends, but Katya just stomped onwards, holding onto Trixie and pulling her along with determination. 

Getting back into the crowded bar space was actually a relief. They both burst out laughing and didn’t stop until they neared their table. Katya prepared herself for the potential questioning but, luckily, everyone was enraptured by one of Willam’s stories so they were able to slot back into place with minimal disruption. 

The rest of the evening passed in a blur of more food (Katya shared half her red velvet cake with Trixie, who in turn shared half her cheesecake with her) and alcohol (Katya hadn’t gotten tipsy since before her recovery but she was comfortable enough to know when to stop and that she was drinking not to cope, but because she was genuinely having fun). 

When Crystal started up another conversation with her, she didn’t let uncertainty or worry about Trixie’s reaction muddy it. Instead, as she paused to take a sip of her mojito, she sent Trixie a wink, which seemed to do just the trick. Trixie rolled her eyes but beamed, too, before leaning in to Kim to look at something on her phone. Katya could no longer be rest assured that everything was fine and dandy but she certainly felt a lot more positive. And if she got a thrill from purposefully putting an arm around Trixie as they both stood chatting to Jan or from rubbing her side when she got a shiver as it turned dark out, then Katya merely let it be. And that was that.

-

What started as a purposeful, deliberate change became so unconscious in the following few weeks that Katya quickly slipped into the routine of checking in with Trixie every morning as she woke up and, if they didn’t talk throughout the day, she made sure to send a simple ‘good night’ before she turned out her bedside lights. It was a small action but it somehow helped. It didn’t eradicate the loneliness but whereas before it blanketed her and weighed her down, now it was a manageable presence on her shoulders, one that could be shrugged off as she wriggled onto her side and cuddled her pillow close. 

Since Violet’s big lesbian brunch, her relationship with Trixie had improved. To an outsider, it was undetectable. But, to them, it was the difference between keeping resentments inside until they all bubbled and boiled and overspilled, and coexisting freely, even when they were physically apart (especially then, in fact). 

Katya was an honest person for the most part, nowadays, so she couldn’t lie to herself - it was fucking nice to be have Trixie text her “ILYSM xx” and not have to overthink it when, after a few times chickening out, she replied that she did too. She sent kissy face emojis and it didn’t feel idiotic or performative. Trixie took selfies in her studio and Katya responded with videos of herself with stupid Instagram filters. There was a balance that Katya hadn’t realised they had been lacking before. A consistency.

It was tough, some days, not to retreat into the comfort of disappearing. But it got easier to confide in Trixie when she didn’t feel great, when her anxiety made it too difficult to comprehend leaving the house, never mind going to film something. For all she was a bitch, Trixie was patient and compassionate and listened to her (with only a few interruptions) when she shared her innermost thoughts.

Katya wondered if that was what being in a proper relationship with Trixie was like. Just as fast, she rid herself of that line of thinking and distracted herself by painting her entire face and body green to play around with her beloved green screen. 

“Turns out that superimposing your eyes and mouth onto a stockphoto of a dog is the cure to all mental illness.” She announced that night when Trixie had FaceTimed her to ask her how she was.

It was a few days later, when Katya was still experiencing some low moods that completely obliterated any and all inspiration, that she had a knock on her door. She hadn’t ordered postmates just yet and had refrained from splurging on more expensive perfume via online shopping as a shallow means to make herself feel better. So it was an utter surprise when she discovered Trixie standing there, holding a homemade sign which read ‘STOP BEING SAD YOU LOSER’ in big, bold marker. Katya squinted to read aloud the fine print underneath. “Yes I know mental illness is serious but whenever have you known _me_ to be?”

Her cackle echoed down her building’s hallway. She ushered Trixie in, calling her an idiot but hugging her tight nonetheless. “What are you doing here?”

“I’ll go if you’re really not up to it but I thought you might like to go on a walk. With me. I thought it might be easier if you had someone to, y’know, motivate you or whatever. Whatever you need, really.” The way Trixie was uncertain made Katya’s heart clench. She watched her scratch absentmindedly at her arm and couldn’t help but take her hand to give it a squeeze for reassurance. 

“Thank you. That’s, that’s very, uh, kind. Yeah, I think I can manage that.” She admitted, a little easier than it would have been to a few weeks ago. 

Katya asked Trixie to wait in the living room and to help herself to a drink while she rushed back to her bedroom. She had thankfully showered that morning but hadn’t got further than pulling on a ratty old oversized t-shirt and putting her hair up in a messy bun. She brushed her hair and put on some black denim shorts and a crop top, along with her high tops, before grabbing her sunglasses, phone and keys and dousing herself in her favourite scent. 

She fired off a reply to Violet, who had asked her if she was feeling any better earlier, but didn’t mention that Trixie was looking after her. That seemed like a conversation to have in person, for some reason.

It wasn’t as if she was completely inexperienced with the kind of intimacy where she could rely on another person to notice when she wasn’t firing on all cylinders, where that person was determined to do what they could to support her through it. Her ex provided that for her, and vice versa. It was just...a different kind of relationship than others might have thought ideal. They kept to themselves and, though they were monogamous, they didn’t act like their lovey dovey peers. Katya didn’t ever think she wanted that, especially when some of it was just for the cameras. And she was heartbroken enough when they decided to call it quits. Anything more intense would really have ended her. 

But the more she realised what she might have been missing out on, the more she wondered whether an increasingly involved kind of relationship was actually on her horizon.

Trixie was sitting on the sofa when Katya reemerged. She expected her to be tapping away and scrolling at the speed of light, but her phone was nowhere in sight and she was braiding her hair so it rested over her right shoulder, neat and long and bright blonde. Katya frowned, checked the time.

“Holy shit!” She exclaimed, making Trixie jump. 

“Oh my god, you fucking ghoul, don’t do that!” She secured her hair tie then turned to look at Katya questioningly. “What’s wrong?”

“You’re not working.” She said, wonder dripping from her voice like a leaky tap. 

“Well _obviously_ , I’m here. Or had you forgotten in your old age?”

“Shut up!” Katya laughed, swatting her hands at her sides. “You just usually don’t do anything, like, social in the middle of a weekday unless it’s to do with work.” 

Trixie coughed, rubbed her palms on her bare thighs like she was trying to get rid of her sweat. Then, she smirked. “Yeah, forgot to tell you that, actually, we’re doing a sponsored collab and the brief is ten pages long so get reading, bitch!”

Her joke was a little desperate, Katya could tell, but it made her laugh again anyway.

They made it outside soon after and, when Trixie asked where Katya wanted to go, they ended up ambling towards Hollywood Forever Cemetery. They got coffees on the way and Katya liked the sound of their ice cubes jiggling about as they walked side by side, bumping into each other every now and then like teenagers not yet accustomed to their ever growing bodies. 

Settling on the grass of Fairbanks Lawn, Katya leant back on her hands, crossing one ankle over the other. The fresh air made it easier to breathe, harder to feel powerless and unworthy and enclosed like her anxiety tricked her into believing. She was glad Trixie had dragged her out and, this time, she vowed to make sure she told her so.

They rested beside each other for a couple of hours. Trixie didn’t mention anything to do with Youtube once and Katya wondered what had inspired such a change. She was simply _being_ and Katya liked the look of it on her, just as she liked how golden hour tinted her hair, made her skin glow as if she was from another world and accentuated the highlight she had applied. 

“You’re beautiful.”

It slipped out and her unexpected declaration caught them both off guard. Yet it didn’t shake Katya up. It felt right, to tell her something so glaringly obvious and simultaneously so private, that Katya considered her, took her in like one would a painting or, more precisely, a flower, alive and blooming and artistic in its vitality. 

Trixie squinted at her, paused as if to test Katya’s veracity in her own mind.

“So are you.”

These simple admissions were anything but. Katya tried to no longer complicate their interactions, either by removing herself from them or imagining going further, deeper. Everything was on the surface, that afternoon. Well, almost everything. 

“Thank you for coming to get me.” She said.

“I’m glad I did.” Trixie replied. She smiled and tilted her head to the side. Neither of them looked away when they caught each other staring for longer than necessary. Because it seemed essential, to memorise exactly where and how Trixie’s nose widened, where her smile lines were developing (she laughed so much and Katya didn’t ever want her to stop) and what shade of lipstick she had chosen for their outing together. 

Katya wasn’t sure which of them suggested it or if it was another unspoken conversation between them but they ended up on their backs, lying on the grass and looking up at the few clouds patterning the wide sky’s canvas, gentle and forgiving. She heard the rustle of Trixie arranging herself next to her, the peace when she got comfortable and settled. Katya had her arms spread each side of her body, a snow angel out of her natural habitat. Trixie moved one last time so their hands grazed, their pinkies aligned. 

After a breath, two, three, Katya placed her hand on top of Trixie’s and closed her eyes. She felt the last of the day’s warmth upon her face and eased into the spread of it, too, where she and Trixie connected.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's literally only just occurred to me that maybe The Abbey has gender neutral bathrooms...?


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Helloooo! It's that time again. And you'll be very happy to know, I'm sure, that this chapter is ~the turning point~. 
> 
> Thank you for reading! I always appreciate your feedback and, if you'd like a chat, I'm over on tumblr with the same username.

Trixie’s headband wasn’t sitting right on her forehead and the angle of her B camera kept making it look like she had four chins, never mind a double. She had asked Katya to come over and help her film her cover of Hackensack by Fountains of Wayne, but Katya had become distracted by one of Trixie’s guitars and was pretending to play in front of the monitor, her red hoodie standing out against the green screen behind her. It was taking all of Trixie’s energy not to whine and complain that she was _suffering_ here, so the least Katya could do was fucking _notice_ that. Instead she was making up her own chords and her twanging was really starting to become annoying. If it were anyone else, Trixie would have snatched the damn instrument from their hands and (metaphorically) beat them round the head with it. 

Very rarely did filming not run smoothly. Not to be on top form in front of Katya was something she wasn’t accustomed to and it added to her stress. Katya, however, seemed to be blissfully unaware, and Trixie wondered what it was like, to approach filming how Katya did - casually, whenever the mood took her, doing it with her attuned intuition instead of fine technical precision. Sometimes her shots were out of focus, sometimes she forgot to turn her mic on. Nobody ever blinked an eye, most of all Katya. It was just par for the course. And it was charming. 

Trixie really needed to calm down. It wasn’t the end of the world.

Except, she had chosen this song specifically because she wanted Katya to hear it, and hear it before her audience - or anyone else, for that matter - did. The lyrics were removed enough from their situation to give her plausible deniability, but the overrunning message of waiting for the person she loved cut way too deep to be about anyone but Katya. 

She finally got her setup how she had envisioned it and the purple and green printed silky material tied around her head didn’t look too bad in the end either. Katya wandered off to bring Trixie some water and a shot of SKYY Vodka, who were sponsoring her video, and then placed the giant blue bottle in view behind where she would sit with her guitar. 

Trixie had explained to Katya how she was going to film herself twice so she could “marry” the two bits of footage to appear as if there were, indeed, two of her in the same shot - one singing and strumming the chords, one providing the harmonies and the guitar riffs. She explained that, even though it would take much longer to do, it was something over and above a typical cover. Katya had seemed impressed and Trixie had fought her hardest to keep from preening under her compliments. 

When it was time to start recording, Trixie got into position and Katya checked her sound, lighting and cameras. She gave her a thumbs up and Trixie had to stall, just for a few seconds, at the sight of Katya, somehow so sexy in baggy black joggers and socked feet. She was in a wide stance so she could be more level with the tripod, where she was in charge of zooming in or out whenever she deemed fit, and her bare face and wavy hair bowled Trixie over because of her effortless beauty. 

“Trixie?” Katya prompted, but there was something different about the tone of her voice, her intonation. Trixie didn’t have time to pinpoint what. She had to begin playing. 

The first take passed in a blur. She was present, she heard herself and she knew she sounded good but she could barely look at the camera, at where Katya was studying her through the lens. She played the final chord. The vibration of it rang out until her strings settled and stilled and the room was bathed in silence. Katya clapped. It was polite but not deserved. She could have done much better. 

Trixie put her guitar down and sighed, pinching the fabric of her patterned, seventies style top where it was tight under her arms. Raising her head, she flinched. Katya had sneakily moved right in front of her and was frowning, looking down on her at where she was sat, slouched and dejected.

“Trixie, that was amazing but...you’re not feeling it, are you?”

Trixie huffed. “That obvious, huh?” Katya just shrugged. “I might be, er, feeling it too much. And I’m overthinking so I can’t just perform and enjoy it.”

“Stand up.” Katya ordered. Trixie thought of resisting but Katya had her hands on her hips, which told Trixie she had no chance of getting away with any shit. 

She was right. Katya immediately pulled her into a hug, holding her closely and tightly and wordlessly, reassuring. They remained in the same position for a while until Katya deemed Trixie suitably loosened enough, releasing her but keeping a hold of her hand. 

“Should I just get drunk instead?” Trixie half joked, motioning towards the vodka bottle.

Although Katya laughed at first, she began to offer words of encouragement and pumped Trixie up until she relented, smiling again, and grabbed her guitar resolutely. She got back into position, this time as Katya was jumping up and down (almost knocking over her lightboxes) with her thumbs up and with a grin which appeared wider than humanly possible for someone so small. “You’ve got this! Bring it, hoe!” Katya cheered. For that alone, Trixie performed like her life depended on it.

She got over her blip and, after the final take, she and Katya celebrated, Trixie playing random songs and Katya singing along badly, dancing even worse. Trixie did indeed down a few more shots and everything seemed a lot more pleasant once she had. Katya, however...Katya was always perfection incarnate in her eyes.

Trixie put down her guitar for the evening and placed her favourite Dixie Chicks record on her vinyl player. When Loving Arms came on, Katya pulled her into a slow dance. She was floppy enough to yield so easily, resting her chin on Katya’s shoulder and listening to the lyrics as if she didn’t know them off by heart. She hoped they resonated even just a little with Katya.

“Feeling better about your video now?” Katya asked her, hushed over Natalie Maines’ voice. 

“Much better. Thank you for being my cheerleader.”

She sensed Katya grinning. “Anytime. I’ve even got the costume at home.”

Trixie didn’t want to ruin the moment she had somehow, accidentally fallen into. They were swaying side to side, wrapped up in each other even as the track changed. And it was precious, it seemed, to have Katya so quiet but present, that Trixie refused to take them in another direction, to their usual quick fire back and forth. She was tired of wanting something different. Katya had instigated their little slice of shared intimacy this time, so Trixie shook off her doubts as best she could and maintained it, seeking an opportunity to take it further, even. 

At the end of Let ‘Er Rip, Trixie made a show of being worn out by their bad interpretation of a jig, bouncing all over the free floor space and swinging each other around, so she collapsed onto the rug, one arm flung across her forehead. She panted, glancing up to where Katya was taking off her hoodie. Then, she watched as Katya copied Trixie’s dramatisation, lying down next to her with a groan. The press of their sides warmed Trixie further, the blush on her cheeks blooming like a sprouting spring flower. She was all too aware of every place they touched. It felt dangerous, when she reached out and held Katya’s hand, but then Katya ran her thumb over her knuckles and let out an audible sigh of contentment. 

They rested, silent, and, in Trixie’s case, reflective, especially when I’ll Take Care Of You began and the words echoed in Trixie’s mind. They were copies of the countless thoughts she had had about Katya throughout the previous weeks. 

“But when the laughter dies away, then I'll take care of you. So let them talk about us, let them call us funny things - people sometimes do. I don't care as long as you know I love you...”

Trixie closed her eyes, screwed them shut, trying to prevent a few wayward tears from running down her cheeks. It suddenly all got too much. Part of her wanted Katya to notice, to beg her to tell her what was wrong so she could finally confess and be done with the burden of her secrecy. Part of her wanted to be able to rely on Katya’s usual obliviousness. 

The truth was, however, that keeping her feelings about Katya to herself was ruining her. It affected her relationship with her, it affected her rationality, and, that evening, it had even started to affect her work. It had been wonderful, having Katya make sure she got in touch with her every day, to have been able to help her when she was struggling and to have been told that she was appreciated and valued. There was always a niggle, nevertheless, taunting Trixie. _This is what it could be like_. She didn’t want to admit it to herself but it was becoming more and more evident that she had to determine whether Katya was indeed just being a good friend, humouring and accommodating her, or if, by some fucking miracle, she wanted Trixie as well.

She took a deep breath, opened her mouth only for nothing to come out. It wasn’t as if the words were caught in her throat. They weren’t there to begin with. She couldn’t vocalise something unformulated. She clenched her free hand into a fist, focussed on the dig of her nails into her skin like she could override her pain with the physical kind, and blinked away the last of her unspilled tears. 

Katya hummed along out of tune when the final chorus played. Trixie fathomed she probably hadn’t heard the song before and she found it sickeningly adorable how she tried to become familiar with it so quickly, even when she was so tone deaf. 

When the last track of the LP ended and the static clicks of the vinyl player were all that remained in the confines of Trixie’s studio, Katya rolled onto her side. Trixie felt her eyes on her. She turned and faced her too.

“Hello.” Katya smiled, eyes bright and searching.

“Hi. Have we met?” Trixie joked, swallowing thickly. Her stomach lurched when Katya threw her head back and laughed.

“I’m your uncle Jerry. Do you want some candy, little girl?” 

Trixie pulled a face. “Stop that right now.” She motioned being sick all over Katya’s front. “You are despicable.”

“You wouldn’t like me as much if I wasn’t.” Katya replied. The simplicity of it hit Trixie like a freight train.

“No, I wouldn’t.” She brought herself nearer to Katya so their noses were mere inches apart. “And I do, y’know.” Her heart raced. The throb of it reached her temples. Trixie took it as a sign that her body was screaming at her to push through, to endure the discomfort and get to the other side. “I like you more than I can properly describe.”

“Actions speak louder than words anyway.” Katya smirked. 

She didn’t give Trixie any time to fret, to analyse the most minute of her facial expressions or how she might have risen her brow at Trixie’s sudden shyness. Instead, she leant in and ghosted a soft kiss to Trixie’s lips. It was chaste and reserved, like Katya was giving Trixie a chance to take her words back and come out of it relatively unscathed. Trixie wanted Katya to understand that there was no way her affections could do her harm. When Katya moved to pull back, Trixie chased her and kissed her so insistently, so honestly. It felt right. And better than Trixie had ever imagined. 

Katya cupped Trixie’s cheek and angled her head so she could kiss her deeper. Trixie parted her lips to gasp but Katya licked across them, leaving a wet trail, so her efforts were futile. She was powerless, open and eager for whatever Katya would give her, the slide of her tongue against her own a gift too good to pass up. Trixie shivered as Katya’s hand lowered, down the column of her neck to her chest where what lay ever swelling inside her strained against her ribcage. Katya pushed upwards, reaching into Trixie’s hair and grasping at the nape of her neck. Trixie moaned into their next kiss, squashing her nose against Katya’s to demonstrate the force of her undivulged sentiments waiting to be released. 

Katya showed no signs of letting up, of talking beyond the occasional whisper of Trixie’s name. Trixie thought, in the brief reprieve she got when Katya paused to tie her hair up, getting it out of her way, that it was about fucking time that she followed Katya’s lead, acting without unnecessary meticulousness, to live and thrive in the moment. 

Katya lowered to kiss her again, sucking on her bottom lip when Trixie wrapped her arms around her shoulders, encouraging her to settle on top of her. Trixie sighed into the feel of her weight, slight though it was, and relished in how Katya ravished her, how she wasn’t afraid to be sloppy and a little rough as if she knew, telepathically, just what Trixie liked and was doing everything she could to show her that she really did know _her_. All of her. Unfiltered.

Sliding her hands down Trixie’s front, Katya asked for permission to touch Trixie’s bare skin, to get underneath her top. Trixie nodded, biting down on her own lip as Katya sat back on Trixie’s hips, fixing her with her blazing stare. She pushed Trixie’s hem right up over her breasts, exposing her quivering stomach. Katya dipped her head, blew over her belly button and glanced upwards to check Trixie was alright. Trixie attentively watched her place a kiss by a lonely freckle near her left hip, before she trailed kisses up to her sternum, to where her bra prevented her going any further. 

Trixie pulled her back up, kissing her again and again and again until she became light headed from it. It seemed like Katya was all around her, not just all over her, and Trixie breathed in the smell of her perfume, lost herself in all the very many sensations Katya gave her. It was heavenly. She never wanted it to end, however much the prudent side of her was concerned they were moving too fast. Any last doubt she had was eradicated when Katya grabbed the cup of her bra and shoved it down roughly so her breast spilled out. 

“Oh my god.” She exclaimed, though she was cut off by Katya’s searing kiss, by her revealing her fully and grabbing onto as much of her as she could when there was still so much material bunched up by her collar bones, under her chin. Goosebumps rose around Trixie’s nipples and down her arms.

“This ok?” Katya asked into her mouth and Trixie wasted no time telling her yes, yes. She begged for more. “Sit up.” Katya ordered, then, and Trixie eased herself upright, dizzy from how quickly they went from relaxing beside each other to grasping at each other’s bodies. 

Katya took Trixie’s top from her and unhooked her bra, freeing her from it. Kneeling before her, Katya proceeded to kiss where her straps had dug in at her shoulders. Trixie closed her eyes and tilted her head back and Katya wasted no time in licking up her neck to underneath her jaw, finding the spot that truly drove Trixie wild with hunger. 

Trixie was only wearing pajama shorts and her underwear as her lower half hadn’t been in shot during recording and they had framed it just right so she had got away with it. She was grateful, in that moment, as she wanted nothing more than to strip completely and with ease, and have Katya take her any which way she desired. She knew they had to talk but she had also been waiting years for the exact situation she had found herself in so, selfishly, indulgently, she didn’t plan on stopping. 

Katya planted both hands on Trixie’s shoulders and pushed her back down onto her back. Trixie gasped when her bare skin made contact with the rug and her boobs bounced and flopped to the side. Katya’s eyes roamed over her. And it should have been scary, to have her straddling her, surveying her, perceiving her at her most vulnerable, but she felt safe and admired and so turned on that she thought she would explode. That Katya was still fully dressed only added to the heat prickling Trixie’s skin, the anticipation swelling in the pit of her stomach. 

Katya hovered over her, grazing her lips against hers, which tingled from the need for more. She strained up to kiss Katya and whined when Katya pulled back, only a little, but enough for her to become out of reach. Smirking, Katya then settled properly onto Trixie’s hips, dragging her hands down Trixie’s torso as she did, fingers brushing over where she was most sensitive and coming to dig into the thick of her. Trixie itched for something unnamed. She wondered if Katya could identify it nonetheless, read her as easily as her favourite book, and give it to her in droves.

Just as Trixie was about to give up hope for anything further, Katya teased the hem of her own t-shirt and lifted it, painstakingly slowly, up above her head, throwing it aside. She wasn’t wearing a bra and, though Trixie wasn’t surprised by that, she still choked on the breath that caught in her throat. 

Uselessly, Trixie gripped onto Katya’s knees, took in the sight before her like she was being graced by a deity. She yearned to admit all she was feeling, to divulge her deepest fantasies from the countless memories she had of lying in bed alone, wishing Katya was there with her. Instead, she bit her lip and stifled a moan when Katya dipped her head and began to suck on her nipple, to bite at her flesh with the teasing promise of leaving a mark. 

Trixie clutched at her back and never wanted to let go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trixie using the word 'marry' in every fuckin' makeup tutorial certainly inspired her use of the word here. Come on, vocabulary!


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, lovelies. So, this is basically just smut and a few feelings. You're welcome ;)
> 
> Thank you for reading. I hope you enjoy!

Seeing Trixie spread out below her for the taking was much more incredible than she had anticipated it to be. Her hair was fast becoming wild from static, from being splayed out around her head like a lion’s mane. Only, she was too at Katya’s mercy to be compared in such a way, and too beautiful to be accurately described at all. Even with her headband all askew and her lipstick smeared across half of her face where Katya had all but pounced on her, Trixie was the pinnacle of sex. Katya couldn’t resist her any longer and when she had swept Trixie into her arms to shuffle back and forth along to the music, she had, for the first time, understood the root of all Trixie’s disgruntled outbursts recently. 

She couldn’t pinpoint exactly what it was that had made her see. It might have been how Trixie couldn’t even look in Katya’s direction as she sang her song; it might have been how desperately she sought Katya’s enlivenment to keep her going with her video and how her whole demeanour shifted once she had gotten what she needed from her; it might have been how thunderous her heartbeat was as they danced together, so much so that Katya could feel it within herself, as if it were her own. Whatever enlightened her, emboldened her too. And so she had thrown caution to the wind and had reached out and had roamed the plains and curves of Trixie’s body until it wasn’t enough to keep her on the edge, breathless and begging for more. 

With her knees each side of Trixie’s hips, she rocked forwards and backwards - just once - to test the mood, to be certain that Trixie was after exactly what she was suggesting. They still hadn’t really spoken at all, the importance of it a little too much to verbalise yet. And so, when Trixie gripped at her harder and her face flushed all the way down to her heaving chest, Katya smiled and dipped her fingers beneath the waistband of Trixie’s shorts. 

She watched Trixie’s eyelashes flutter as she stripped her fully, the way she tilted her head back and pulled the material across her forehead off and away so there was nothing left but _her_ , naked and willing. Katya trailed her gaze down the slopes of Trixie’s body, below the pouch of her stomach to where her pubic hair was neat and trimmed, to where Katya could see the first glisten of her wetness between her folds as she parted Trixie’s legs with the push of her palms to her thighs. She was opening her up. 

Her hands were damp with sweat and she felt constricted by the rest of her own clothing. “Stay just like that.” She commanded before rising and taking off her joggers and her briefs. “So sexy.” She murmured once she too was naked and could take the time to stand, still and enrapt, above Trixie, looking down between her spread legs. She noticed her trembling and her once frozen heart melted completely, making way for the warmth to seep out and extend between them. The pull of Trixie brought her near. 

Lowering her body on top of her, she slotted her thigh between Trixie’s and felt the tickle of her hair against her skin as she canted her hips again, applying just enough pressure to elicit a soft moan from Trixie’s parted lips.

Trixie ushered her upwards to kiss her and Katya licked over her lips before sliding their tongues together. She fought the instinct to close her eyes - she wanted to see Trixie’s forehead all rumpled and creased from concentration, how she reacted to certain things Katya did. But, soon enough, she relinquished and moulded into their osculation with only pure sensation at the forefront of her mind. 

Katya’s nipples were sensitive so she was rather relieved when Trixie struggled to properly caress over her breasts, the angle not quite right. 

“Let me take care of you first.” Katya said, close to her ear, and felt Trixie shiver once more, nodding with acceptance. Katya brought her hand to squeeze Trixie before she pinched and rolled her nipple between her thumb and forefinger. Trixie gasped and wriggled furthermore when Katya swirled her tongue around her ear, dipping it in every now and then to surprise her and split her attention between the two parts of her Katya was tending to. 

“Katya…” Trixie exhaled sharply at a particularly harsh tweak and Katya smugly planted a rough kiss on her lips. “Katya, fuck me, please. I want...” She trailed off. Katya didn’t mind. She had the confirmation she had so fiercely wanted. Trixie ached for her. In that moment, that was the only thing that mattered.

“You mean that?” She checked anyway, mainly to be contrary and to wind Trixie up even more so. It worked like a charm because the whine that broke out of her was louder than the both of them had been all evening, even when laughing and singing and dancing. “Wow, ok, princess, message received.” 

The pair of them burst into a fit of giggles at that, dissipating some of the thick tension that had built up between them. Katya ran her hand down Trixie’s front to calm her down, recentre her focus, and Trixie smiled serenely when Katya constructed a path of gentle kisses down her belly. 

“I’m going to eat you out first.” Katya told her, as if settling between her legs and kissing the insides of her thighs didn’t already give the game away. 

“Please.” Trixie begged, sinking her fingers into Katya’s hair as she brought her face right up to her cunt, smelling her and arousing her to the point of no return. She planned on giving Trixie the best few orgasms of her life because she was all too aware that, once Trixie touched her, she would be useless, beyond all salvation. 

Katya stroked down her centre once, before leaning in and licking a slow stripe in the opposite direction. Katya had never tasted anything quite like Trixie. Katya brought her hands underneath her and tilted her up so she could access every single part of her. Trixie moaned with every flick of Katya’s tongue, every kiss to her clit, and it only drove Katya wilder, encouraging her to increase her pace faster than she might have done otherwise. 

It was evident by Trixie’s pleas, by the sounds of her pleasure bursting out of her seams, that they had both been quietly waiting for each other for god knows how long. And so, now, when Katya teased her entrance, pooling Trixie’s wetness on her ardent tongue before swallowing, it was clear that their first time together would be swift and urgent, but it would be one of many that night. It was why Katya had reassured Trixie that she would eventually get around to fulfil her request to be fucked. She understood, in order to do it all right, she had to satisfy her own animalistic hunger first. 

Digging her fingers into Trixie’s ass, she began to rub her entire face against her cunt. She was so wet, so fucking wet, squealing and writhing so much that Katya could tell she was close. Her nose bumped against Trixie’s clit when she licked into her and Trixie brought her legs around Katya’s back in a feeble attempt to draw her further in. Katya could barely breathe but she would have happily smothered herself and died right there and then, gratified that she had done her very best to attend to Trixie’s every critical need. 

When Katya slid her tongue back up, wiggling it between Trixie’s folds, Trixie called out and Katya smiled against her. It felt so harmonious - even as Trixie jolted and her thighs shook and her hips bucked and she panted like she was tampering with her own asphyxiation - to be the person seeing her in such a state. Katya sucked on her clit then finished her off with all her might, holding her round her middle as she twitched with several aftershocks. 

“Oh my god.” Trixie repeated, over and over and over. Katya kissed whatever parts of her were closest and stroked her sides, feather light and tenderly, as if Trixie was too precious to disrupt. Katya glanced up to her face and huffed a laugh at how she had flung her forearm in front of her eyes like she was forsaken and forlorn, whereas she was clearly very much the opposite. 

“Come up here and kiss me again.” Trixie fussed. Katya crawled up her body without hesitation and did as she asked, making her taste herself on her tongue. 

“Enjoy that?” She teased, not giving Trixie time to answer before she sucked on her bottom lip, tugging on it playfully so all she could do was nod, bumping their noses together. “How’s about we put one of those toys I just _know_ you bought with my discount code to good use, hmm?”

Even underneath her full coverage foundation, underneath the carefully applied contours and colours, Katya could see the furious blush spread across Trixie’s entire face. It was the kind that instilled a little guilt in Katya as soon as she’d said what she had. Her stomach dropped and the sweat at the back of her neck became more troublesome than telling of her riled up state. 

Just as she was about to apologise for being a bit too mean, Trixie grabbed at her shoulders. “How did you—? No, don’t tell me, and not yet. I want just you first. I could go again right now and I think I would come just as quick.”

Katya leered, rutting slowly against her as she watched Trixie’s breathing begin to deepen once more. “Are you really that desperate for me?”

“Are you really that dense?” Trixie fired back and they both burst into laughter. Katya tucked her face into the side of Trixie’s neck and placed a gentle kiss there after they had mellowed out. Trixie brought her arms around Katya’s back so Katya could properly lie on her. 

“Is this the part where we talk about our feelings?” Katya forced out. It was easier with a sprinkling of humour for good measure, but it didn’t quell the unnecessary sense of dread Katya had seemingly carried around with her ever since she and her ex broke up.

She had never thought about Trixie in that way when she was in a relationship because, no matter what her own brain told her, she wasn’t a total garbage person - she wasn’t one to cheat, even if it was a mere thought crime. But it would also have been downright ignorant of her not to have recognised the indescribable pull she had always had towards Trixie since that first Vidcon where she didn’t leave her side, laughing more in those few days than she had in her entire life leading up to them. With everything that had happened post break up, she could no longer trust her emotions, so she had shut the majority of them off and focussed on regaining her mental stability instead. 

But as she had come to accept that she was ready for a relationship again, she also had to wade through the raging waters of her feelings about Trixie. Trixie, who let out a sigh in what Katya hoped to the highest heavens was relief.

“I’m glad you’re being an adult here. I never thought I’d see the day but...let’s save that for later. I’m too wet to wait any longer. I need your fingers so deep inside me that you can feel my intestines, ok?” 

They rolled about in hysterics on the floor before Katya pinned Trixie down and kissed her until she was truly fixed in place. Katya teased her fingers at Trixie’s entrance, coating them with her wetness and making Trixie grumble and tilt her hips up in an attempt to gain more contact. She slid one finger inside her first and revelled in the feel of Trixie clenching around her, the sounds dripping from her parted lips as she begged for more. She didn’t deny her what she so desperately wanted, pulling out only to add another finger. She crooked them, increased her pace and gazed in wonder at the changes in Trixie’s expression, evolving from wanton need to unadulterated pleasure. 

“Oh my god, more, Katya, _more_.” Trixie breathed. Katya kissed her, rough and brief, before tearing away to brace herself so she could fuck Trixie as fast as she possibly could. Her hand soon began to ache but she didn't care, not when Trixie was moaning, her fingers scrambling as she feebly tried to grip onto the rug. 

Once she added another finger, stretching her just enough, Katya told Trixie to touch herself. Soon, Trixie was a shaking mess. Katya’s hands were damp with Trixie’s wetness and her own sweat, and she felt enveloped by their shared body heat, even when they weren’t pressed close together as they had been before. It didn’t matter, now, their joint exertion enough to become the very air surrounding them. 

Trixie came for the second time with her head turned to the side and down, like she was trying to muffle the sheer noise with her shoulder. Her whole face was scrunched up and her orgasm rolled through her in several influxes. Katya slowed her pace but didn’t stop until Trixie twitched from oversensitivity. Then, she eased out and crawled to her original position, straddling Trixie’s hips. 

“Look at me.” She said when Trixie still had her eyes screwed shut, breathing heavily. She tipped up Trixie’s chin with her hand and, when she had Trixie’s full attention, brought her glistening fingers to her mouth. She ran her tongue from her knuckles up to the tips then sucked all the three that had been inside Trixie right down, hollowing her cheeks. She made sure to get every last drop and smirked around her own skin as Trixie, wide eyed, watched on, enraptured. She pulled off with a gentle pop and licked her lips for full effect.

“ _Fuck_.” Trixie jerked up to sitting, jostling Katya in her lap, and kissed her just as insistently as she had previously. Their shared energy hadn’t dissipated, and Katya’s own neglected arousal was fast becoming harder to ignore. She ran her fingers through Trixie’s hair, gripping her roots intermittently, and Trixie sighed against her. “Please let me touch you now.” 

Katya nodded into their next kiss and smiled when Trixie immediately slid her fingers to her clit. Katya was so wet that Trixie didn’t need to explore much further down for them to slip so smoothly against her. Katya rocked her hips in time with Trixie’s movements and kissed her without pause, fingers still tangled in her blonde waves as she bit Trixie’s bottom lip when she began to press a little harder. Katya liked the pressure and wiggled from side to side every now and then to change the sensation. 

“Do you want more?” Trixie asked.

Katya shook her head and whimpered when Trixie began to kiss down her neck, easing her backwards to lie down. 

“God, you’re so hot.” Trixie murmured into her ear, hand frantically jerking between them. Katya couldn’t tear her gaze away and simultaneously couldn’t quite decide where to look. It was too much but equally all she had been searching for. 

“Faster.” She instructed, feeling the tension in the tops of her thighs, the heat in her stomach as her muscles contracted. She came with Trixie’s name on her tongue, her taste still lingering there.

-

Katya took Trixie to bed. The simple act of it was novel enough in itself to leave her looking on in wonder as Trixie put her decorative cushions to the side and pulled back her sheets. She thought of how lucky she was to experience Trixie’s ritual alongside her. Katya didn’t have one like it, though she tried to make her bed every day lest she fall into the traps of laziness (which then snowballed into bad mental health). It was nice to see Trixie tending to her private space like a gardener would their flowers. 

“You’re very cute.” Katya let slip and she beamed when Trixie paused to check she had heard her correctly. “A part of me does want to make an utter mess of your bed though.” She winked over dramatically and Trixie squawked with laughter, easing onto her side and shoving an arm underneath her pillow. 

“I’m sure it’ll be an ‘utter mess’ when you sweat all over it tonight, no need to do anything more than lie in it.” 

They were both still stark naked and it seemed like the most natural of states to be in. Katya stepped towards the edge of the bed but didn’t go further. “I had a few more things in mind for us to do than that.” She rested one knee on the mattress, looking down at where Trixie lay, at where she struggled to maintain their eye contact.

Trixie swallowed. “Like what?”

Katya spent the next couple of hours showing her.

After telling her that she was going to sit on her face and immediately proceeding to do so, Katya came for the final time that night with her back arched and her chest raised towards the ceiling. She held onto Trixie’s headboard for dear life as Trixie lapped at her through her orgasm and then held on to Trixie with her cheek against her hammering chest in the exact same way. It was ferocious, the fire within her that had been reignited, and she knew, come morning, she would be all too eager to fuck her again, to follow through on her suggestion to use one of her toys.

In that moment, however, Trixie snuffled and squeezed Katya’s middle tighter, and Katya was able to relax into the realisation that, that night, she would not be falling asleep alone. She smiled to herself and pressed a kiss to the top of Trixie’s head, burying her face in the nest of her hair for a while to inhale her scent. 

Katya could tell Trixie was tired but the way she was scrunching her toes, shifting her feet against the sheets, indicated a niggling thought waiting to jump out and disturb the newly settled peace. 

“Everything ok?” Katya asked before her anxiety ran amok with her questioning. 

Trixie stilled and stiffened. Katya softly caressed her arm, though felt shatteringly taut herself. “Just...Am I going to wake up tomorrow alone? Is what we did going to freak you out and then I’ll have ruined everything again?” 

Katya’s first instinct was to reassure Trixie, to promise her a thousand certainties because that was what she deserved. She deserved the unwaverable conviction Katya was too considerate to give. Instead, she counted to five in her head, ensured her breathing was long and even and level and, then, she gave Trixie what she could. The truth.

“You won’t wake up alone. You’ll probably wake up in a few hours time from me having flung my arm out in my sleep and then I’ll realise what I’m doing and I’ll spoon you again and tomorrow I’ll still be spooning you. And I might have a little freak out in the next few days but that will be because this is what I’ve wanted for a while now and not only have I not been aware that you wanted it too, but I’ve also been terrified of opening myself up to getting hurt. I’m going to make an assumption that we’re both in the same boat in that regard and so it would be stupid of me to say everything will be peachy keen from hereon out. But what I can promise is that you haven’t ruined a thing and that, together, I think we’ve made each other better. So suck on that, you fuckin’ lesbian.”

They still had a lot to discuss, it was undeniable. But, content with Trixie’s reaction and the sheer comfort that came from being wrapped up with her in her bed, their legs tangled and their breath mingled, Katya closed her eyes. She held Trixie’s body to hers and, for the first time in too long, she didn’t feel alone. Because she wasn’t. And never had to be again.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, here it is.
> 
> Thank you so much to everyone who has read/commented/given kudos and sent me messages about this fic or any of my others. I really do appreciate it.
> 
> This year has been WILD and writing has helped me get through. I've been writing consistently, every week, since (I think) early July '19 and have not stopped until now. Safe to say I'm pretty wiped out, therefore I will be taking a break for a bit. I don't know how long for and I already have several ideas beyond the S12 YT AU, so I'm sure I'll be back in no time. I can't keep away... ;) But for now, I leave you with this.
> 
> Thank you again. I hope you all enjoy how this story ends.

“Violetchacki asks, ‘apart from each other, obviously, who are your biggest Youtube crushes?’” Trixie tilted her head, her whole body, towards Katya, looking pointedly at her. They were sat, hip-to-hip, on Trixie’s sofa and had decided to answer a few general questions at the end of an advice video. The idea had seemed hilarious to Trixie at first because under no circumstances were the two of them qualified to tell anyone what to do. They did it anyway, however, because it was fun to joke about their power and influence. “I think someone’s fishing for compliments here. Thanks, Violet, our number one fan. ILY!” Trixie remarked, making Katya cackle. 

“Well, it is sacrilegious to crush on anyone other than the one and only Trixie Mattel,” She grinned, lips a deeper shade of red after Trixie had given her a new PR sample to try a few days previously. “But I have been watching a lot of ASMR videos lately and there’s a woman with, like— she wears a leopard print mask all the time and it has glittery tassels and shit. Very Orville Peck. Very fetish. I don’t even experience ASMR but I’m intrigued by her mystery. Who is she? We just don’t know. I’m into that.”

Trixie made a show of over the top shock, jealousy and disapproval, staring Katya down with her mouth wide open and gawking like Katya had just declared herself a serial adulterer or something equally as scandalous. They had a full day of filming ahead, ensuring they both had enough content for the following week or so, so that they could properly spend time with each other, camera and worry free. Trixie had taken note of Kim and Naomi’s approach and was finally comfortable enough to wrench herself away from her laptop for longer than an hour to focus on herself and what doing so would mean for her self esteem and her relationships. 

But, if she were to be honest, she mainly wanted to come as many times as possible in as many ways as possible in as many settings as possible, with Katya solely responsible.

The morning after they had slept together, Trixie had eased into consciousness, slowly and naturally. It seemed dramatic to consider it so, but she equated it to what she assumed a rebirth felt like. She had opened her eyes and saw things anew. No longer was her bed just her own. Her legs tangled with Katya’s as she slept on. Her hand rested gently on her ribcage as they faced each other. Katya’s arm, in turn, was slung over her body. She had trailed her gaze over the crumpled sheets bunched up between them and watched Katya’s eyelashes flutter every now and then, spotted where she had missed some stubborn mascara when taking her makeup off. It was crumbly, over two days old, and normally Trixie would have wanted to reach out and take care of it. But, in that sweet moment, she had been too content to move even just an inch. Everything was alright just as it was.

Trixie had been pleasantly surprised to see so much patience from Katya when she had pounced on her practically as soon as she had woken up - not for sex (though there was a lot of that later that day), but for more reassurance, for the unmitigated commitment that they would each share their anxieties so that the other could treat them carefully, with thought. 

“Freaking out yet?” Trixie had pestered as Katya blinked in succession, shifting under Trixie’s weight and stretching as much as she could. Trixie liked the feel of her wriggling beneath her and leaned in to kiss Katya, quick for fear that she might not have wanted so much from her so soon. 

“Sadly not, I think you need to try harder.” Katya had joked, pulling Trixie in for another kiss. It felt luxurious. 

They had talked, spent winding, thereabout hours working through what dating and romance meant for them. Not as individuals but as a unit, a couple. For all Trixie had been revived, old habits really did die hard. When Katya had promised her the truth the night before, it had been more than Trixie had ever wanted. Because it was sensible, but it was heartfelt. As the sun rose, Trixie couldn’t wait until everything was brought to light so she could really begin to enjoy Katya, and herself, without uncertainty.

They had settled with Trixie's cheek against Katya’s chest. Katya traced patterns up and down Trixie’s bare arm and the sensation of it gave her goosebumps.

Trixie told her about wanting her from the day they met, about accepting the state of things when she had been in a relationship and resolutely quashing all hope when that relationship fell apart. Then about how, when she didn’t hear a thing from her, it had seemed like she had been relegated to an afterthought. She had made it clear that she wasn’t telling Katya those details to evoke a reaction, only to rid herself of the shame of festering so many secrets - not to start again but to start afresh. 

Katya had pulled her up and taken her face in her hands, had swiped across her cheeks with her thumbs and maintained the steadiest eye contact Trixie had ever seen from her. 

“Please believe me when I tell you I had no idea I was hurting you.” She had insisted. “I really was just so wrapped up in my own shit, then in my routines and particular ways of living, I guess, that it’s only when you actually spelled it out for me I was like, _oh_.”

Trixie had huffed a laugh and had made a joke about them both suffering from dumb bitch disease. Katya smiled into their kiss and Trixie held onto her waist as tightly as she could without hurting her. “I do want to make it absolutely clear, though, that even when I was going through all this gay panic, I was always so happy to be around you. Like, we have so much fun together and even when I was being a brat, acting all jealous and shit, I was still laughing. You’re so...I just think you’re neat.” 

They cackled and rolled about on the bed, gripping onto one another and shaking each other’s limbs about. 

When they had flopped onto their backs, ample enough space between them to lie with their hands held, Trixie had breathed in deeply. It had been refreshing to do so without a tight chest. 

“I’ve always felt something about you too.” Katya had said, quiet but certain. Trixie had listened to every word that had poured from Katya’s mouth from then on, every assurance that she had always wanted Trixie in her life but it had been dangerous to think too much about her when she was with her ex, and even more so when she wasn’t. Katya’s palm had got sweatier and sweatier throughout her admissions but Trixie only gripped onto her tighter and, once Katya had suitably bared all and stated how, throughout the past months especially, she had only acted how she saw best for the both of them, Trixie had kissed her until her lips were swollen and wet. 

Reciprocation tasted so fucking sweet on her. 

Whilst filming their video and laughing together, Trixie was relieved to be able to joke about being jealous of someone Katya admired or was interested in. Initially, Trixie had been concerned that her outbursts would have turned into a serious point of contention between them but Katya had been able to narrate her mind’s workings right back at her, as if she could see into it all herself. She understood where Trixie had been coming from and also correctly bargained on Trixie actively working to prevent herself from tapping too much in to those feelings in the future (“A little bit of jealousy is hot, every now and then...” Katya had drawled, however). Though Trixie was pretty sure they wouldn’t arise again now she had actually expunged all her demons - and had claimed Katya as her girlfriend, much to the astounding virtual cheers of the Youtuber group chat - she wanted to ensure she was on her best behaviour. Because that’s what Katya deserved. That, and a lifetime of happiness. 

“So who’s yours?” Katya prompted. “I know you only have eyes for me, my _darling_ , but if you _had_ to choose.” Trixie squawked at Katya’s grin, her teasing tone. 

She turned to face the camera and belatedly realised she had seldom given it a glance the entire video. She sighed, loudly and purposefully. “This is hard for me to admit but...Naomi, if ever you get bored of Kim’s incessant perfection and cutting criticisms, I’m your gal. I’m exactly the same, just less rich and beautiful so a change might be good for you.” 

They wrapped up shooting for the time being soon after, both lamenting about how much footage of them randomly pausing to kiss each other they’d have to edit out. 

They didn’t relent in their affections throughout the rest of their shoots either and, when late afternoon came around, Katya, evidently agitated, pulled Trixie onto the rug in front of her sofa, reached up her skirt and roughly tugged down her underwear. 

Trixie gasped and tilted her head back, her hair tugging at her scalp from where it was caught against the floor, which only heightened her senses further, faster. Katya didn’t give Trixie even a moment to acclimatise to what was happening, burying her face in her cunt immediately and with abandon. Usually, Trixie liked a slow start, enjoyed the playful teases and touches, or the rough pulls and scratches against her skin. But, in a way, their entire day together had been their foreplay and as soon as Katya’s tongue flicked up and down each side of her clit, then flattened against as much of her as possible, she was brought right to the peak of pleasure.

Katya made quick work of her, rarely stopping save to catch mere milliseconds of breath. Trixie had screwed her eyes shut almost instantly, but she tensed harder, toes curling, when Katya changed directions, wiggling her tongue from side to side, then in a loose figure of eight. 

“Fuck.” Trixie exhaled into the room, to where her microphone was picking up every noise she made, every moan, every utter of adoration.

Katya didn’t say a word. She increased her pace ever more so until Trixie felt an untamable heat spread throughout her entire body. Her cheeks were aflame. Her vision speckled behind her closed eyelids like she could only see embers in her night sky. Then, she came, bracketing Katya’s head as she curled in on herself, legs tingling and shaky. 

Trixie raised her head when Katya sat back on her haunches, catching the utterly pornographic sight of her wiping her wetness from her lips and her chin with the back of her hand. Panting, Trixie watched Katya crawl over her so she had to look straight up to maintain eye contact. 

Katya smirked. “I can’t wait to listen back to that audio later and come from the sound of you. I don’t think you realised how loud you were being.” She whispered in Trixie’s ear then promptly sprang up and got back into position for filming their last video. When Trixie made no sign of moving, Katya simply quirked her brow and patted the empty spot next to her, beckoning Trixie up.

-

Trixie was neglecting her friends, she knew. Just a little bit, so she didn’t feel too bad, and Naomi and Kim had done the very same several weeks previously, but she was aware of it nonetheless. Trixie and Katya’s ‘week off’ from work obligations and filming had encouraged Trixie to keep her phone in her bag, for example, when Katya had taken her out on a date, or to at least mute her notifications when Katya was staying over. Katya had noticed and she had been very sweet in checking that it was because Trixie wanted some downtime and not because she didn’t want to annoy or upset her. 

“Being online is your life, and mine, and I admire how hard you work. I’m not gonna get pissed if you post a cute selfie or whatever every now and then, and gush about me to the others.” She had stated, glint in her eye.

Trixie had kissed the side of her head, letting her nose be tickled by Katya’s flyaways. “I know. I’m just taking this week very seriously.”

“Oh yeah, like when you were laughing right into my pussy last night because you said I sounded like your great aunt Margaret going down a slip ‘n’ slide.”

It was all too easy to immerse herself in Katya, bask in the exclusive invitation into her world. Katya took her on all the walks she usually did by herself. She made the effort to actually visit the Indian restaurant she ordered too much takeout from with her hand on Trixie’s lower back as she let her follow the waiter to their table first. And she spoiled Trixie in her own way. She bought her underwear (decidedly not MeUndies, but a gorgeous daisy embroidered, white see through set) and made her “special memes” on photoshop. Dating Katya was like a highlight reel of their pre-existing friendship. So much had shifted and evolved between them, but it was comforting, how familiar these new experiences still seemed. 

In amongst their constant succession of dates, Katya suggested they hang out with the others for the first time since their new relationship status. Trixie knew Violet was on the verge of exploding and, quite frankly, she was rather looking forward to Kim’s shit eating grin and many imminent reminders of “I told you so”. 

So, on Saturday night, Trixie hosted as many of the gang as she could fit in her apartment. She didn’t glue herself to Katya’s side, nor did she subconsciously track her every movement and whereabouts. She didn’t need to anymore. Katya was with her even when she was cackling with Nicky and Courtney over some silly Australian slang, or when she had Violet sitting on her lap as they both talked with Pearl at Trixie’s kitchen table. She was with her when she was throwing cheese balls into Crystal’s wide open mouth and when she excused herself to the balcony for a breather.

Trixie joined her outside, however, initially just intending to pop her head out and check if she was ok. Katya smiled, the gentle breeze of the night sweeping strands of hair across her face so she had to tuck it behind her ears. It made her look younger, like she was someone Trixie could take care of, no longer out of reach. 

Motioning for Trixie to stand next to her, Katya turned to face out, eyes darting across the horizon. She leant with her forearms against the metal railing, the last of the California sun tinging her tattooed skin a glowing, golden orange. Trixie was taken aback by how Katya had never looked so beautiful and it filled her with endless joy to know that she would have the very same thought a million times over in the future. 

Katya bumped her hip against Trixie’s and Trixie responded in the same vein. They giggled at the apparent timidness of their actions until Katya flung her arms over Trixie’s shoulders and pulled her down for a searing kiss from where she towered over her in her platform heels. 

“All good?” Trixie asked, self satisfied, when they had eased apart and the wolf whistles from inside had quietened down.

Katya gave her a quick peck on the lips and ran her hands down her arms to take hold of her hands. “Never better.” She said. And Trixie believed her.

-

Trixie’s party had gone on well into the early hours of the morning and she was thankful, on Monday as she was getting dressed, that she and Katya had had the rest of the weekend to themselves. It had been wonderful to be congratulated and even better to be made fun of, especially by Kim and Naomi who had beaten Trixie and Katya to _realising_ and did not once tire of rubbing it in their faces, but Trixie was also ready to experience normality and the peaks and troughs of a working week again, in order to find a new balance. 

That began with the video she couldn’t escape from making and the one she absolutely did not want to avoid. Being with Katya was something she was proud of, way more than any of her achievements in her career. Youtube was an unstable, unpredictable and surely fleeting platform in itself, never mind as a job overall, yet she couldn’t wait to explore what further satisfaction she would get out of it now she had Katya by her side, in more ways than one. 

Trixie had trouble pulling her mind out of the gutter when she set up ready to film, images of Katya manhandling her off the sofa and going down on her just out of shot taunting her, reminding her of what she could have been doing instead. She replayed the sight of Katya holding one of Trixie’s vibrators against her own clit and canting her hips up to press herself further against it to the audio recording of Trixie coming as she waited for Katya to finish getting dressed. It took all her resolve not to abandon her itinerary and beg to be fucked, bent over the arm of her sofa and taken from behind.

Minutes later, Katya appeared in a dress. An actual dress. Trixie hadn’t seen her in one in so long as she could remember. She gasped as she took her whole look in, from the statement pentagram straps framing her meagre cleavage to the uneven hemline rising by her knees and trailing behind her as she walked, thin black material fluttering with every step closer she took. There was a cutaway underneath her sternum exposing her pale skin and Trixie’s mouth suddenly went dry.

“Keep looking at me like that and we’ll never get this damn thing done.” Katya quipped, lips lined and full, eyes rimmed with kohl and framed by her stupidly long lashes. Trixie didn’t know whether she had been graced by an angel or an evil witch determined to keep her in a near constant state of arousal. She was blessed, either way.

They eventually configured themselves to their liking with Katya cradling one of Trixie’s hands in both of hers in her lap. 

“Ready?” Trixie asked and Katya nodded, gave her a vehement go-ahead. Trixie beamed at her before tearing her eyes away to look into the lens. “Hi, I’m Trixie Mattel.”

“And I’m Katya!” She chirped bright and freely from beside Trixie, where Trixie could feel her body heat, leg against leg; where she could feel secure in her bountiful presence. She was there.

“A few days ago we teased that we were going to film a special video. You guys have basically all guessed, since we started collaborating more, and I know it’s seemed like a long time coming - not just for you, believe me. But, well, Katya and I have an announcement…” Trixie quickly glanced to her left, then down at where Katya held her, and didn’t shy away from telling all, from being herself, flaws and mistakes aplenty. With Katya, she wasn’t polished. She was real and she was happy and she was in love. And she wasn’t afraid of showing it anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Big thanks also goes to alittbitcloser who, not only hypes me up every day, but is also my very best Judy.
> 
> And to my ideas assistant. Good job.


End file.
